Unrealistic Expectations

After watching 6 hours of Pride and Prejudice goodness and reading several more hours of fabulous fanfiction, I have concluded that all types of fictional romance are detrimental to my realistic expectations in life. Kimberly's Dad says that romance novels give your high expectations. I don't know about high expectations, but they certainly are unrealistic. I wonder how long I will have to wait before a dark and sexy vampire/werewolf alpha male waltzes through the door...

Then, upon further reflection, I have discovered that, taken out of context, our favorite literary/movie heroes are essentially creepers. Take for example, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. Socially awkward and taciturn, overprotective, and seemingly obsessed with Miss Bennet's lively brown eyes. Perhaps for the eye collection he keeps in the jar under his bed? I mean, the dude undresses her with his eyes every time they inhabit the same room, wearing that disconcerting, unmistakably creeper-ish smirk on his face. All I'm saying is, if he weren't sexy, he'd be scary as hell.

Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre. Jealous, slightly neurotic, and manipulative. He toys with another woman's affections simply to make Jane jealous. He locked his wife in the attic for years. Clearly serial killer behavior. Then, by the end of the book, the dude is like...missing an eye and an arm. This look isn't even sexy on pirates. And yet, we all swoon and yearn for a Mr. Rochester to call our own. Strange, isn't it?

Ok. Let's do some movie heroes. I really can't think of any that, in my opinion, aren't secretly gay.

Anthony Stark from Ironman. Has an insane drinking problem. On top of this, he is an arrogant, playboy asshole. Why this sounds attractive to me, I have no idea. I mean good looks, good in bed, and a brain to boot. But if you were Pepper Potts, would you really be interested in the Boss who you constantly have to fish out of a pool of his own vomit? No matter what your libido says, the correct answer, ladies, is NO.

Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean. One Word. DREADLOCKS. I mean, even if we could look past those oily, beaded strands of GREASE and SWEAT and OTHER QUESTIONABLE THINGS, Jack Sparrow has the most questionable dental hygiene of any supposedly attractive hero I have ever seen. Then, there's his mental instability, indecipherable sexuality, unhealthy attachment to his ship, etc. etc. etc.

Even though Lord of the Rings technically is a series of books, let's face it, all the young'uns know it as an epic cinematic trilogy. Let's examine the heroes.

Aragorn - never takes bath. Grungy, probably smells something atrocious, pledges his allegiance to midgets

Legolas - His hair will always be more perfect than yours. He will inevitably be standing on the surface of the snow while you are buried three feet under. He has an inexplicable affinity for short, hairy men.

Frodo - OK, the big blue eyes are a plus, but don't they remind you of Dobby? No? Not even the tiniest bit? Well, fine. He has an unnerving fascination for shiny objects. Plus, he's gay for Sam. Just sayin'.

I admit my movie knowledge is severely limited, but I swear to you, WE ARE OBSESSED WITH CREEPERS. (I mean, come on, Willy Wonka? Don't even get me started.)

Even the heroes from romance novels are kind of creepy. But I'll save that thought for a later date. It's 3 effing 30 in the morning. Damn, I have way to much free time.

Off to go ruin my chances of ever being romantically satisfied. (sigh)