Critical Reflection

I have an exam on Friday, and like any responsible med student, I am doing anything I can to avoid studying for it. Let me tell you, for being fist-sized organs tucked in glorified bags of fat, kidneys are a pain in the ass to learn about. Ugh.

Over the long weekend, we were given an assignment for Foundations of Patient Care (FPC), where we had to write a self-reflection on an interaction we had with a standardized patient. While writing, I realized that it had been a long time since I'd actively reflected on my experiences. Whereas in undergrad and high school, I often thought back on the things I did, what I learned from them, what was funny, what sucked, I feel like that level of introspection tapered off gradually before my senior year. Maybe I finally found my niche and surrounded myself with a group of friends who taught me how to live in the moment. More likely I got caught up with all the things that were happening that I lost the patience for sitting down and chronicling major events. It used to be that I would lie in bed, unable to sleep until I got up and jot down my thoughts. Nowadays, I still lie in bed unable to sleep, but I turn to my phone and swipe left, left, left until I slip into oblivion.

My friend Chumin recently asked me, "What do you think 10-year old Abby would think of the person you've become today?" My third grade teacher once made us write a letter to our future selves, a letter she later sent out to each of us upon our high school graduation. Third grade Abby had written "You used to be cool...remember that." Little Abby's words cut deep. I know, without a doubt, that Little Abby would think that I was a giant lame-o. But then again, Little Abby thought it was imperative to also include the line "You like tacos," so that little shit clearly did not have her priorities in order.

I guess this is a long, roundabout way of me asking myself, am I proud of the person I've become? I think if I were to look at my salient achievements -- graduating from Hopkins, doing a year of service in AmeriCorps, becoming a medical student -- I do feel like like I'm on the road to "success" as society defines it. I am proud of these accomplishments but, to me, these events are divorced from who I am as a person. What is the use in becoming a doctor if I'm a shitty person? How much good can a doctor do if inside she is twisted and broken, jaded and cynical? It's a legitimate concern for me because I can feel a growing change in my perspective. I am no longer the idealistic do-gooder of semesters past, who dedicated hours to community service and helping others just because I saw a need. These days, I avoid commitments like they're the plague and my default question is always "Is it mandatory?"

I don't even know if I can attribute this all to med school burnout. Yes, I spend hours every day reading over the material and studying. There are days where I wake up at 7AM to get to class and don't get back from work until 7PM, after which I eat dinner and study until 11PM. But then again, which one of my classmates is not doing the same thing? Yet others still find time to volunteer, hang out, care about social issues, etc.

Even during my year off when I was working at Reading Partners, I really began to treasure my alone time. Once my pajamas were on, ain't nothing gon' get me out of the house again. I just wanted to spend time with my family and dogs, read, watch TV, sleep, etc. When I think about socializing now, I am exhausted. Am I too old? I just don't have the energy to invest in people the way I used to. God, that makes me sound like I'm 80.

Another thing that weighs heavily on my mind is the fact that I haven't attended church in years. I stopped attending sometime my sophomore year. First, it was because I got a job that required me to work on Sundays. (I can hear my Dad in my head telling me that money is my idol.)Then it was because other things in life became more important to me than church. By the time I started dating a woman my junior year, I had already stopped attending church completely for quite some time. I'm not drawing a causal relationship between the two events. But not going to church definitely made it a lot easier for me to take the leap.

As I grow older or as I become "indoctrinated by my liberal education", I feel like I have more and more issues with the church. Yes, homosexuality is one major thing. And then there's abortion. And then there's no sex before marriage. And then there's the very unfeminist ideology in the Bible and church. There's a growing association in my mind between religion and a lack of independent thought. There's living by faith then there's living like a decent human being and I really don't feel like the two should be mutually exclusive. But I'm starting to digress, so I think this is a topic I should revisit another day.

I guess what I'm saying is, maybe Little Abby would be proud of the person I am today. Who knows, she wanted to be a Indian, cowboy, or a homeless person during various intervals of her life, but maybe she would think becoming a doctor is pretty badass too. But older and (a little) wiser Abby isn't quite as sold. I think I've been slipping in the personal development department and it's time I start devoting some more mental resources to that once again -- just as soon as I finish studying for this exam.