It's Official

My endometrium is officially shedding.

I got so paranoid at the beach on Senior Cut Day. Am I or am I not? I remember being on my period last when Mr. Elwell was lecturing on the Menstruation Cycle. Was that two or three weeks ago? I took a two minute hike just to double check. ): Thank Jesus, it didn't come until Saturday Morning...which makes this blog one day late. heh.

I spent prom night catching up with my ADVENT friends Vicky and Angie who both happened to come back from college. Angie is working in Northern Berkeley over the summer on an architecture program with her professor while Vicky still has some finals left. (Boo, quarter system!) Still, we talked about life in general, AKA BOYS BOYS BOYS. Sadly, two years after that ADVENT summer, and I'm the only one who hasn't grown any. Dang it. When will my time come?!? We revisited childhood memories by commandeering the swing set from these two little girls at the local park. I think we may have frightened them with our maniacal laughter and [my] occasional obscenities. Good times. Then we got home, finished the Costco bag of Kettlecorn and watched The Princess and the Frog. A pretty good, if frightening, movie. Hellooooo, Prince Naveen.

(sigh) I really need to get myself a guy. I'm swooning after DISNEY cartoon characters. It's all David Kawena's fault. That horny bastard.

I'm currently rehabilitating from my addiction to Plants v. Zombies. I beat the game in two days and am currently working my way through the mini-games. I think I'm starting to tire of it though...which will give me more time for ROMANCE NOVELS! Yeeee, they finally came in at the library. One Suzanne Enoch and one Julia Quinn. I couldn't be happier if it was Kresley Cole. (Well, ok, maybe I would. Imma steal that book from Kim. >:] )

Some people say it is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. Personally, I'd rather have loved period. I NEED ME SOME LOVIN'. Yes, that was the sound of pure, unashamed desperation. Maybe a smidgen of self-pity and patheticness. Just a little.

I need to seriously start dieting. I've been inhaling kettlecorn like a Asian-mother-wielded-vacuum cleaner. Utter lack of self-control. Oh, the depravity! When my cousin got himself a girlfriend, my grandparents' first observation was "She's too fat." OMG. She was a perfectly respectable size. I was like "GRANDPA, if she's too fat for Ping, NO ONE is going to want me!" And my grandfather, bless his heart, said "Oh...well. Hmmm."

(sigh)

If I don't start burning fat like a cocaine-snorting B-List celebrity, I'm never going to be able to compensate for my naturally bitter disposition and contrary personality. All the romance novel heroines, although sassy, were HOT. OH NOES. I've been focusing too long on the wrong traits! I need to regroup. Waiting for liposuction is no longer a viable option. By the time I've saved up enough, I'm going to be either 1.) too wrinkly; 2.) barren; or 3.) married to Coach Ken Tanaka. NOOOOOOOO. Unacceptable!

Operation Aneroxia shall commence! I will drink milk to counteract the loss of calcium in my bones. Damn...but that milk would go down real good with some cookies....and brownies....and ice cream. GUH. NO. Wooh, slippery slope there.

All right. I gotta stop this thing I have for unavailable men. Sorry, RDJ. I'm putting you into the closet (until tonight).

I'd rather my love life be dysfunctional than NONEXISTENT. D:

Moments of Frenzy

There are moments of insanity when I am convinced that the success doesn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell. I feel the sharks circling in, blood is in the water. Then God steps in, takes my hand, and I can breathe again.

I'm still feeling slightly anxious about the success of this year's Renn Faire. I was totally chill about it until Steven casually informed me today that the Voodoo order couldn't go through. Then I started thinking about the daunting task of making 175 voodoo dolls by hand. This was all before Steven handed me a $111 receipt for his haunted house. Sweet Jesus, have mercy on this poor soul. I'm hoping like crazy that we didn't overestimate the earning power of our booths, that we'll break even with lots more to spare on our much deserved AP Lit breakfast.

I thought school ended with my last AP tests; I was sadly mistaken. (I've always wanted to use a semicolon dramatically.) Until RennFaire is over, I'm going to remain in such a state of hypertension that Legolas could pluck me and kill dozens of AP Lit students orcs. God bless Ms. Daniell. I don't see how anyone could possible cope with this madness every year. And to bring it upon yourself? Masochism Saintliness.

Like I told Steven, I'm blogging the pain away. Hopefully, this will give me the necessary strength to face the multitudes of slack faces at tomorrow's RennFaire meeting. Or reign in my temper as I mentally calculate how many of those faces are MISSING. D: Heaven preserve me.

Can you tell I've been brushing up on my Renaissance phrases/diction/syntax? Imma brush up on some scathing Bible verses in preparation for the confession booth. I can't wait to see what lechery these people can dredge up for the futile purpose of shocking me. (Insert Mandark laugh here.) NEVER! I shall prevail!

Ok. That's enough. I gots to wake up early tomorrow to run to Wal-Mart and Fabrics R Us to check out cloth/buttons/thread/stuffing for the voodoo dolls.

Fare thee well, my dear readers. May the Glorious One smile upon our next meeting. (;

Queer

What a strange mood I'm in.

Darkness lurks in the corners of my mind.

Iron Man 2 Revelation

Ok, So to be honest, my revelation wasn't completely triggered by Iron Man 2 , which is a great movie, just sayin'. I guess it was a combination of things that have been piling onto each other unnoticed since this morning. During Physics, I was doing Brandon's French homework, an analysis of an excerpt of Le Petit Prince:

"Il est bien plus difficile de se juger soi-même que de juger autrui. Si tu réussis à bien te juger, c’est que tu es un véritable sage."

This roughly translates to:

"It is much harder to judge yourself than to judge others. If you succeed in judging yourself, it's because you're truly a wise man."

This quote particularly resonated with me because I have of late stood stationary as the tides of melancholy and cynicism crept in. I was depressed because I didn't know where I was going and, as a result, become irritated by the mere presence of friends and family. I may have done or said some things in the past few weeks that reflected my dark mood and my increasingly twisted sense of humor. I know it sounds silly, but after watching Iron Man 2, I felt deeply convicted by my own conceit and selfishness. (I know, RDJ just speaks to my soul.) Maybe it was the Asian side of me keeping a running mental tab on how much damage was done in that entire, explosive, movie, but I was captivated by this sense of waste and regret.

On the way to the airport with my mom, I listened to my Mom vent about the newest Wang family drama. My newfound movie-inspired awareness made me realize just how much I suck at listening. I always tune in and out of conversations. I get the main idea that the speaker is trying to convey, but I miss the details and I lack the emotional attachment to properly care about what other's say, think, or feel. This time, for forty-five minutes, give or take, I actually listened. I took the time to weigh both sides of the argument and contemplate the emotional and psychological motivation behind each event. I used to be so good at this, I remembered, at caring and providing comfort. I don't want to be like those cold, clinical doctors who see patients as research and opportunity. I don't want to look down my nose at a warped reality, distorted by thick panes and a sense of apathy. The words of Antoine Saint-Exupery were fresh in my recollection. How can I pronounce judgment when I have never took the time to criticize my many faults?

I realized that I could never become a truly good person without first analyzing who I am at this present moment.

I have this deep mistrust of compliments. They feel superficial and fake because they correspond to this false persona I've erected around me in public. There are so many things wrong with me, I've just learned to hide them. I want to be a good person. I want to help others. If people are going to trust me as their doctor, their go-to care provider, then I must evaluate myself and change. It all sounds grossly naive, but I know everything starts somewhere. I hope to look back on this day and say... "It all started with Iron Man..."

In the end, Tony Stark was still a text-book narcissist and an ass, but at least he was one dedicated to fighting for good. There's hope yet!

Don't worry, I'm not about to inundate you with a list of my countless flaws. I can hear Pepper Potts already..."If you say the word 'I' again I'm going to actually hurl something at your head..." haha.

But anyways, good movie! Certainly life changing. (;

Renn Faire

I guess now that there's only two weeks left before the Renaissance Faire, it is officially time to start freaking out. We've done so much planning and theorizing that we're completely behind. Now it's time to whip everybody in shape, lasso them into the weekly meetings, and get things done! I'm a little apprehensive as to how in the world Steven is going to finish the Haunted House in a week, choreograph and learn the Robin Hood dance and fight scene, and build a Drench the Wench mechanism. I know I should have more faith in him but faith is definitely not my strong suit. Whew, time for some major prayer.

I've stayed up until now just compiling lists of each booth and what I need the leaders to do before this week ends. I'm hoping that more delegation will bring this Renn Faire closer into the realm of reality and actuality.

So much more needs to be done!

Prizes need to be purchased, voodoo dolls need to be ordered, rings, flowers, KIDDIE POOLS. GUH. I'm not exactly stressed yet, but I'm feeling pressed for time. Every moment of inaction eats at me. Is that stress? I've learned to ignore it and just feed the compulsion. Work work work. Keeps the hands busy and the mind occupied.

I'm a little disappointed in the AP Lit class. I thought everyone would be excited and eager to pitch in...but then again, I now realize that was grossly optimistic of me. People barely turn up to meetings and there's only a handful of students we can rely on. Still, I remain hopeful that things will start looking up as we kick into high gear. Maybe Ms. Daniell will kick people into shape. haha. C'mon Baird and Bebe's class, get your act together! Actually, c'mon Baird and Bebe, WHERE YOU AT?

Tomorrow, I got to go talk to Melvin about the final timeline of the RennFaire and about borrowing costumes from the Drama department. Then there's a RF meeting during lunch. I hope people show up! (crosses fingers) I really can't wait to see this thing go down.

Steven, I believe in you! (though it kills me to.)

Mentalist Madness

OH JESUS CHRIST. I just watched three episodes of The Mentalist back to back.

Omg. In the latest episode, this cute kid was murdered by a clown. I HATE CLOWNS. I screamed when they showed him hiding behind tree. I'm not getting any sleep tonight. D:

Insatiable

Mr. Darcy, WHERE ARE YOU.

Except now, I will no longer be content with merely Darcy. My perfect man now must possess the wit of Benedick, the sarcasm (and baritone) of Snape, the intelligence of Sherlock Holmes, and the dark/brooding/misunderstood appearance of Darcy.

Goddamnit. I'm going to die painfully alone.