" I can still hear my Daddy's last words to me. "Abby, find a good church and grow in Christ." (Roughly translated) Lately, I've been thinking a lot about finding a strong fellowship that I can commit to and grow in for the next four years."
Going through my old blog posts from when I first came to Hopkins. What a joke. I am 300% done.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Ambivalent in Crisis
Yesterday, my host family asked me if I identified with any religion and I responded
"My parents are Christian...I am still thinking."
I don't really know why I said it, but this is the first time I have ever denied my faith out loud. Not quite sure what this means in the grand scheme of things but...whoop. That happened.
"My parents are Christian...I am still thinking."
I don't really know why I said it, but this is the first time I have ever denied my faith out loud. Not quite sure what this means in the grand scheme of things but...whoop. That happened.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Playing Defense
When it comes to team sports, I've been a defensive player all my life. Take for example, field hockey. I'm not talking that wussy East coast candy cane shit. I mean the ghetto ass play-on-the-blacktop-with-mansticks business. For one, if we have an excellent offensive team, chances are, I can sit around half court and do nothing all PE period. Then, there's the fact that I've always felt bad for the goalie. Here's the poor bastard who, for reasons unknown, volunteers to have people direct balls as hard as they can at his or her face while all they have to defend themselves is a flimsy paddle. That to me, is not sound logic. At least when I'm playing defense, I know my role is noble -- protect the goalie. I could not give a flying fuck about anyone else on the court. (Obviously, I'm not really a team player.) When that ball comes at us, I smack it in the other direction as hard as I can with no regard to who is on the other end. If the ball doesn't get past me, I've succeeded as a defender. If the ball gets past me, even if the goalie saves it, I feel like I've failed. (Now that I think about it, the signs that I need serious therapy have been present since I was a teenager.)
I've applied this same philosophy to my personal life. I will rarely ever play the offensive, until someone encroaches on my territory and elicits a defensive reaction. And like field hockey, it's because 1.) I'm lazy and 2.) I am usually defending someone or something.
I've been reliably informed by my family that I have become hypersensitive about issues concerning sexuality. This was made more apparent to me when I had a strong negative reaction to a status posted by a pastor from a church I used to attend:
" 'I asked Jesus if it was OK to move in with my boyfriend and I feel like He said yes. What do you think?' I think you called the wrong number."
I paraphrased the above quote because in a fit of adolescent rage that was quite beneath me, I unfriended him and now I can't access his statuses anymore. To give a bit of background/clarification, it is a quote of a quote of a quote. A letter to and a response from another pastor that this pastor was sharing on his own Facebook.
My first reaction was to post a scathing retort along the lines of "This kind of closeminded thinking from the Church is what prevents people from coming out of the closet and embracing who they really are, asshole!!" but, you know, more educated and less offensive. And while I was going about trying to figure out how to make this thought more educated and less offensive, I saw people liking his status and posting comments like "Preach!" and "Good stuff!" and I must admit that I entered a dark, dark place. I could feel my heartbeat growing louder as my mind stilled.
At that moment, my roommate Anna comes in, so I decide to read this status to her to gauge her reaction. Her first question, "So is this a girl writing the question?"
Oh. Well duh. That changes everything.
Somehow, I had just completely jumped to the conclusion that this status was written by a man because the world clearly revolves around me, and seeing as I have now gone skinny-dipping in the proverbial homosexual pool, this status must be about the homos.
Like I told my sister....I am a exposed nipple of defensiveness right now. This is madness. Needless to say, I am glad I didn't post anything. Anna coming in was probably God's way of telling me to calm the fuck down and behave like a rational person...which is difficult for me on a normal day, even when questions of sexuality and the Church are not involved.
So yeah, I'm a little scared for when someone actually does come up to me and opposes my life decisions to my face. Not in the way you would expect. More along the lines of what I would do or say that I can't take back, especially when I'm already so wound up in anticipation. I'm just itching for someone to make the first move and smack that ball into my court. (Sport metaphors are really not my thing.)
Also, if I take a moment to be honest here, it's a little hard to not be resentful of the Church for propagating this intolerance. I often find myself blaming religion for creating things that I have struggled with in the past, struggle with in the present, and probably will continue to struggle with in the future. As a lazy person, I really don't see the necessity for this grief. I guess I'm at one of those turning points in my life where I have to make a decision...but with my personality, chances are I'm going to delay it as long as possible and float in this ambiguous space between belief and disbelief. I still believe in God but I just don't accept certain aspects of Man's interpretation of His Will. I guess this "pick-and-choose" business is a double-edged sword. People are going to tell me "You can't say you love God and choose not to obey Him." Yeah, I know, I've been indoctrinated. I'm almost bitter enough to just call it quits, but the only thing that keeps me in is Family. And that's a sad reason to devote your life to a religion isn't it? I don't know, I'm a selfish person, and I think that if I believe, it should be because I believe, not because I don't want to hurt the people that I love. But I do believe, and I guess the whole point of this entire rant is that I'm angry that it even has to come to this.
All these thoughts, released from a single status. I guess I've just been sitting on this for a while.
I was liberal enough before I came to Denmark, but now that I'm taking several courses (Gender & Sexuality in Scandinavia, Sociology of the Family) and learning about social constructionism, I'm pretty much turning into a downright hippie. I need some more information, I need some more knowledge, I need some guidance, I need Jesus, I need sleep. We'll see what this semester abroad will bring.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Day Before Denmark
As many of you already know, I am leaving for Denmark tomorrow morning to study abroad at the Danish Institute of Study Abroad (DIS). How did I spend my last day in the States? LIKE A BOSS.
A few weeks ago, my Dad told me about a doctor that had recently joined his Christian book club. Unable to tell me the doctor's specific specialty, my Dad said "He does something with neurology like you. He said he's like a plumber for the body." I was like "Uhh...Ok, Dad. Hey, you should ask him if I should shadow him." I was totally joking, but my Dad, being the earnest loving father he is, took it upon himself to make it happen. Now three weeks later, I found myself sitting in Dr. Lin's office, examining CT and PET scans with him. He gives me brief explanations about the grey and white blobs I am seeing on the screen, oftentimes picking up his recorder and making some oral reports about the images. It's one thing to learn about these imaging techniques in class and another to actually witness the interpretation of seemingly haphazard blobs. "This is a minor herniation in the lumbar region. This is scar tissue from a previous ablation of a focal tumor...." All the while, I hummed in agreement with his diagnosis and asked thoughtful, insightful questions.
A little bit of explanation. When I walked into his office and saw Dr. Lin reading CT scans of what appeared to be an abdomen, there was a little niggling at the back of my mind: "Hmm...that is not a brain." I had made a rookie mistake, not googling the doctor beforehand. Luckily, he had to take a 5 minute phone call from the OR during which I hastily googled his name and the procedure he was talking to the nurse about over the phone. Neurologist my ass. This man was a radiologist! An interventional radiologist, and a very good one at that! Before today, I thought that radiologists were boring people who sat all day in front of the computer poring over images. After my Google search, I had pretty much resigned myself to spending the morning learning how to analyze medical images. About an hour in, Dr. Lin gets up, puts on his jacket, and says "Let's go." I barely managed to keep in a very intelligent "Whuh?" I find myself following him outside the Imaging Center, across the street, and into the main hospital. I am ushered into the X-Ray Room, marked with a very official "Medical Personnel Only Beyond This Point" sign. At one point, a technician nods in my direction and asks, "And this is...?" Dr. Lin played it cool, "A student from Hopkins." I may have said "Nice to meet you." and shamelessly let him think I was a med student. In another blink of an eye, I find myself clad in a lead vest and witnessing the insertion of a PICC (peripherally inserted central catheter, thank you Google) line. At one point, I remember thinking "Oh my God, that's blood." Despite the fangirl squeeing I was doing in my head at being able to stand in on this procedure, I think I managed to keep it calm and professional. Big pat on the back for not exclaiming "THIS IS SO TOTALLY AWESOME" when the X-ray turned on and I could see the catheter making it's way through the veins into the patient's chest cavity.
As it turns out, the patient's veins were obstructed so the catheter could not pass through and the procedure could not be completed. An OR would not open up for an hour or so. As Dr. Lin and I walked back to his office, he explained that interventional radiologists combine both radiology and surgery. Directed by the images, they can then plan and perform minimally invasive procedures (such as the insertion of the PICC) for treatment. We ran into my parents in the hallway. They had just come back from visiting a family friend's elderly mother in the ICU. Rather than have them wait for me, I told Dr. Lin that perhaps we should cut today's visit short and continue at a later date. He was such a nice guy, he seemed genuinely disappointed that we weren't able to discuss my pre-med plans and my experiences at the Mennonite Christian Hospital several summers ago. He apologized that the day was so chaotic, told me to keep in touch while I was in Copenhagen, and assured me that we would definitely be seeing each other this summer.
As my parents and I walked away, my Mom whispered "How was it?" I muttered back, "I'll tell you when we get outside." Not a moment after the automatic doors closed behind us, all the geek excitement I'd been holding in burst forth in a thirty minute tirade of "AND THEN I GOT TO WEAR A VEST. AND THEN THERE WAS BLOOD. AND THEN..." My parents got the message. I was thrilled. My Dad wants me to become BFFs with Dr. Lin and hopes that he will become a mentor for me as I continue on the medical track. I can sincerely say I hope so too.
Anyways, I have to wake up tomorrow at 5 AM to catch my flight out of SFO. I've made a blog specifically for my study abroad experience: fortheloveofdanish.blogspot.com
All the excitement!!
A few weeks ago, my Dad told me about a doctor that had recently joined his Christian book club. Unable to tell me the doctor's specific specialty, my Dad said "He does something with neurology like you. He said he's like a plumber for the body." I was like "Uhh...Ok, Dad. Hey, you should ask him if I should shadow him." I was totally joking, but my Dad, being the earnest loving father he is, took it upon himself to make it happen. Now three weeks later, I found myself sitting in Dr. Lin's office, examining CT and PET scans with him. He gives me brief explanations about the grey and white blobs I am seeing on the screen, oftentimes picking up his recorder and making some oral reports about the images. It's one thing to learn about these imaging techniques in class and another to actually witness the interpretation of seemingly haphazard blobs. "This is a minor herniation in the lumbar region. This is scar tissue from a previous ablation of a focal tumor...." All the while, I hummed in agreement with his diagnosis and asked thoughtful, insightful questions.
A little bit of explanation. When I walked into his office and saw Dr. Lin reading CT scans of what appeared to be an abdomen, there was a little niggling at the back of my mind: "Hmm...that is not a brain." I had made a rookie mistake, not googling the doctor beforehand. Luckily, he had to take a 5 minute phone call from the OR during which I hastily googled his name and the procedure he was talking to the nurse about over the phone. Neurologist my ass. This man was a radiologist! An interventional radiologist, and a very good one at that! Before today, I thought that radiologists were boring people who sat all day in front of the computer poring over images. After my Google search, I had pretty much resigned myself to spending the morning learning how to analyze medical images. About an hour in, Dr. Lin gets up, puts on his jacket, and says "Let's go." I barely managed to keep in a very intelligent "Whuh?" I find myself following him outside the Imaging Center, across the street, and into the main hospital. I am ushered into the X-Ray Room, marked with a very official "Medical Personnel Only Beyond This Point" sign. At one point, a technician nods in my direction and asks, "And this is...?" Dr. Lin played it cool, "A student from Hopkins." I may have said "Nice to meet you." and shamelessly let him think I was a med student. In another blink of an eye, I find myself clad in a lead vest and witnessing the insertion of a PICC (peripherally inserted central catheter, thank you Google) line. At one point, I remember thinking "Oh my God, that's blood." Despite the fangirl squeeing I was doing in my head at being able to stand in on this procedure, I think I managed to keep it calm and professional. Big pat on the back for not exclaiming "THIS IS SO TOTALLY AWESOME" when the X-ray turned on and I could see the catheter making it's way through the veins into the patient's chest cavity.
As it turns out, the patient's veins were obstructed so the catheter could not pass through and the procedure could not be completed. An OR would not open up for an hour or so. As Dr. Lin and I walked back to his office, he explained that interventional radiologists combine both radiology and surgery. Directed by the images, they can then plan and perform minimally invasive procedures (such as the insertion of the PICC) for treatment. We ran into my parents in the hallway. They had just come back from visiting a family friend's elderly mother in the ICU. Rather than have them wait for me, I told Dr. Lin that perhaps we should cut today's visit short and continue at a later date. He was such a nice guy, he seemed genuinely disappointed that we weren't able to discuss my pre-med plans and my experiences at the Mennonite Christian Hospital several summers ago. He apologized that the day was so chaotic, told me to keep in touch while I was in Copenhagen, and assured me that we would definitely be seeing each other this summer.
As my parents and I walked away, my Mom whispered "How was it?" I muttered back, "I'll tell you when we get outside." Not a moment after the automatic doors closed behind us, all the geek excitement I'd been holding in burst forth in a thirty minute tirade of "AND THEN I GOT TO WEAR A VEST. AND THEN THERE WAS BLOOD. AND THEN..." My parents got the message. I was thrilled. My Dad wants me to become BFFs with Dr. Lin and hopes that he will become a mentor for me as I continue on the medical track. I can sincerely say I hope so too.
Anyways, I have to wake up tomorrow at 5 AM to catch my flight out of SFO. I've made a blog specifically for my study abroad experience: fortheloveofdanish.blogspot.com
All the excitement!!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
New Year's Eve
I totally forgot what day it was today until my friend texted me and asked what my plans were for New Year's Eve. I was like "Oh yeah, when is that again?"
Uhh...tonight. Doofus.
What did I do today? Ate my weight in spring rolls. Got my hair cut. Went to Pink Elephant Bakery for some pan dulce. Indulged in some pearl tea. Made Baked Ziti (imitation Wang style). Clearly preparing to bring the new year in with style.
So yeah, I totally partied it up tonight. Got together with my sister and two close friends to watch Fellowship of the Ring (extended edition!! uhh...is there any other worth watching?) while researching the history of Middle Earth on LotR Wiki. And no no no, that is not enough badassery enough for the likes of us. We also rallied to watch the appendices to deepen our appreciation of what went into the filming, casting, and music for the epicness that is Lord of the Rings. We do fangirl screams listening to commentary. Such is our love for the genius of Peter Jackson and Tolkien.
And when I was thinking about how best to convey this awesome night in a succinct Facebook status (where all awesome life events must inevitably be documented), I was tempted to write "There's no place I'd rather be than right here with friends, family, and LotR."
But that would be a lie. Because I can think of one place I'd rather be.
It's been almost eleven days since I left Baltimore. Normally, Baltimore would be nothing more than a painful memory by now. In some ways, nothing has changed, and yet everything is different.
I'm not one for New Year's Eve celebrations. Usually, midnight finds me already bundled up in a blanket burrito and snoozing my way into the new year. This year is the first year that there is someone I would love to be kissing when the ball drops...but the distance between us is enough so that we can't even celebrate the beginning of 2013 at the same time, let alone in the same place.
It sucks. It sucks to be apart. It sucks to miss out on the big things like New Year's and our first month anniversary, but it also sucks to not be there for the little things...watching our favorite shows together, swapping stories about our day, inhaling HopDeli pizza, exchanging silly grins while brushing our teeth...
[I must digress. Ball just dropped. Everyone is kissing. My only thought: Fuck everybody. All the bitterness.]
I admit that it hurts dealing with my family's reactions but I understand that it is something I need to do alone, that I need to patient, and that I need to have faith. But even the sting of the things left unspoken is nothing compared to how much I miss her. Skype is just not the same , and sometimes we lapse into a heavy silence, each distracted by our own thoughts, feelings, worries, and fears. Still other times, I fall silent in awe of how lucky I am to have her and end up breaking into the goofiest grin. She sent me this song today and it pretty much sums my feelings too:
Tonight, I found myself poring through all her Facebook photos (I'm such a creeper) but even the 1,115 photos dating as far back as 2007 (and you thought it couldn't get any creepier) did nothing to assuage the acute awareness of her absence. The four months ahead stretch like a gaping chasm before us, but I cannot imagine anyone more worth waiting for.
It's officially a new year and I know it's going to be bittersweet. I'm going to Denmark for a semester and while the people I will (temporarily) leave behind will always be on my mind, I also welcome the new experiences being abroad will bring. Come what may!
Uhh...tonight. Doofus.
What did I do today? Ate my weight in spring rolls. Got my hair cut. Went to Pink Elephant Bakery for some pan dulce. Indulged in some pearl tea. Made Baked Ziti (imitation Wang style). Clearly preparing to bring the new year in with style.
So yeah, I totally partied it up tonight. Got together with my sister and two close friends to watch Fellowship of the Ring (extended edition!! uhh...is there any other worth watching?) while researching the history of Middle Earth on LotR Wiki. And no no no, that is not enough badassery enough for the likes of us. We also rallied to watch the appendices to deepen our appreciation of what went into the filming, casting, and music for the epicness that is Lord of the Rings. We do fangirl screams listening to commentary. Such is our love for the genius of Peter Jackson and Tolkien.
And when I was thinking about how best to convey this awesome night in a succinct Facebook status (where all awesome life events must inevitably be documented), I was tempted to write "There's no place I'd rather be than right here with friends, family, and LotR."
But that would be a lie. Because I can think of one place I'd rather be.
It's been almost eleven days since I left Baltimore. Normally, Baltimore would be nothing more than a painful memory by now. In some ways, nothing has changed, and yet everything is different.
I'm not one for New Year's Eve celebrations. Usually, midnight finds me already bundled up in a blanket burrito and snoozing my way into the new year. This year is the first year that there is someone I would love to be kissing when the ball drops...but the distance between us is enough so that we can't even celebrate the beginning of 2013 at the same time, let alone in the same place.
It sucks. It sucks to be apart. It sucks to miss out on the big things like New Year's and our first month anniversary, but it also sucks to not be there for the little things...watching our favorite shows together, swapping stories about our day, inhaling HopDeli pizza, exchanging silly grins while brushing our teeth...
[I must digress. Ball just dropped. Everyone is kissing. My only thought: Fuck everybody. All the bitterness.]
I admit that it hurts dealing with my family's reactions but I understand that it is something I need to do alone, that I need to patient, and that I need to have faith. But even the sting of the things left unspoken is nothing compared to how much I miss her. Skype is just not the same , and sometimes we lapse into a heavy silence, each distracted by our own thoughts, feelings, worries, and fears. Still other times, I fall silent in awe of how lucky I am to have her and end up breaking into the goofiest grin. She sent me this song today and it pretty much sums my feelings too:
Tonight, I found myself poring through all her Facebook photos (I'm such a creeper) but even the 1,115 photos dating as far back as 2007 (and you thought it couldn't get any creepier) did nothing to assuage the acute awareness of her absence. The four months ahead stretch like a gaping chasm before us, but I cannot imagine anyone more worth waiting for.
It's officially a new year and I know it's going to be bittersweet. I'm going to Denmark for a semester and while the people I will (temporarily) leave behind will always be on my mind, I also welcome the new experiences being abroad will bring. Come what may!
"Belgium" - Bowling For Soup:
Lately I feel so small
Or maybe it’s just that my bed has grown
I never noticed it before but you were there
So how was I to know
[bridge]
That this single bed
was always meant for two
not just anyone
it was meant for me and you
[chorus]
and now you’re halfway around the world
and I’m just a day behind
Nothin seems to fill the hole
That I have since you left my side
You’ll always be my little girl
Though I can’t hold you tonight
And now you’re halfway round the world
And I’m just a day behind
I wake up in the night
I turn around and find that you’re not there
I just like to watch you sleep and lay by you
I love to feel you near
I think I’m going crazy
Everyday confusion starts to grow
I never noticed it before
But you were there so how was I supposed to know
Or maybe it’s just that my bed has grown
I never noticed it before but you were there
So how was I to know
[bridge]
That this single bed
was always meant for two
not just anyone
it was meant for me and you
[chorus]
and now you’re halfway around the world
and I’m just a day behind
Nothin seems to fill the hole
That I have since you left my side
You’ll always be my little girl
Though I can’t hold you tonight
And now you’re halfway round the world
And I’m just a day behind
I wake up in the night
I turn around and find that you’re not there
I just like to watch you sleep and lay by you
I love to feel you near
I think I’m going crazy
Everyday confusion starts to grow
I never noticed it before
But you were there so how was I supposed to know
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
