License to Kill

I've been in a constant state of heightened anxiety for the past three days. I had how you have to make a driving appointment at the DMV a month in advance. It's like sentencing yourself to four whole weeks of anticipation, fear, and occasional nausea. I admit that driving has become a personal demon after three failed attempts for that tiny plastic medal.

The amount of intense prayer I've been doing since yesterday must have been clogging up God's inbox. Prayers for wisdom, courage, confidence, guidance, DIVINE INTERVENTION... I even prayed in the shower. At one point, I was so desperate that I swore to give up cursing if I passed the driving test. I'm working on that right now, trying to figure out what words constitute as obscenities. I mean, is "douche" really a bad word?

I spent last night tossing and turning restlessly in my bed. I must have mentally gone over every possible route that the proctor could take me on. I reminded myself to come to a complete stop before every limit line, go forward a little to see oncoming traffic, and come to a complete stop again before turning right at a red light. I reviewed the right-of-way for every possible scenario. What if there was a garbage truck in my way? A train? A schoolbus? God forbid, a firetruck or an ambulance? You can imagine the kind of paranoid nonsense running through my brain at 3-4 in the morning. All the while, I had background prayer on repeat in my head. Insanity.

I owe a lot to my family. They've supported me emotionally, financially (each retake cost $12), and mentally throughout this entire ordeal. As I waited in line for the proctors to reach me, my Dad attempted to distract me by spouting miscellaneous anecdotes ("Say, did you hear about the Chinese girl who was stripped of her gold-medal?"). My mom would call every once in a while for updates. My sister was praying for me in Chicago. (:

But more than anything, this victory goes to God. Just last week, Andrew Tai shared this scripture with us:

"Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business, and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'"

-James 4:13-15

I think my previous failures were lessons and reminders for me to humble myself. Everything I've accomplished, I've done through God's will. Through God, all things are possible.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

- Matthew 7:7

I kept these verses in mind as I prayed feverishly to God. I prayed that His Will would be done and that He would comfort me, whatever the outcome.

GOD WAS WILLING. YEEEEE!

I could not have done this without the Big Guy. Every time I went in for the driving test, my skin would feel either flushed or clammy, my hands would be shaking, my legs would be wobbly, my pulse would be racing, my thoughts jumbled and incoherent. It may sound like I'm exaggerating, but my parents can attest to the fact that the pressure I feel from simply being in the presence of the Fremont DMV is palpable. I plan on never returning ever again! hee!

When we pulled back into the DMV, the lady just ripped off the top piece of paper and handed it to me.

"Take this to window 11."

"...Does this mean...I passed?"

"Mmhmmm."

"OH...MY...GOD. Excuse me, what's your name, ma'am?"

"Kalala."

"THANK YOU KALALA. Can I shake your hand?"

(exchange handshake)

"Would you like me to walk you back to the DMV?"

"No. It's Ok. You can go."

I literally held the door open for her, helped her out of the car, and shut the door for her. I'm pretty sure all proctors are monotone by default, but..I STILL LOVE HER. :D

PRAISE JESUS.

Screw what dreams may come

“

To be or not to be– that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles And, by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep No more – and by a sleep to say we end The heartache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to – ‘tis a consummation Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub, For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause. There's the respect That makes calamity of so long life. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, Th’ oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, The pangs of despised love, the law's delay, The insolence of office, and the spurns That patient merit of th’ unworthy takes, When he himself might his quietus make With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, But that the dread of something after death, The undiscovered country from whose bourn No traveler returns, puzzles the will And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all, And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of great pitch and moment With this regard their currents turn awry, And lose the name of action.—"

”

Phucking Physics

Physics is driving me crazy bat shit. No joke. I guess I'm a little of the hook now because I know it's not necessary for college, but still, Senioritis can only go so far against Asian standards. I want to understand this material, I want to actually comprehend what's going on, but Mr. Briber is making it very damn difficult. On the bright side, I'll be taking physics again in college. Hopefully, it'll all make more sense then.

We have another test tomorrow. This comes about two weeks after the last one, where I literally turned in a blank test. I know he goes over example problems during class, but that's all that they are, EXAMPLE PROBLEMS. Where are the lectures? Example problems are supposed to supplement the content of each lecture. I don't even know where he's pulling all these equations out of. Also, it doesn't inspire much confidence when he says "Oops. I guess I made another mistake. You guys are so smart." We're not supposed to be teaching him. I mean, it's perfectly OK for us to offer suggestions about his teaching methods/style, but the situation must be pretty dire if we're constantly pointing out mistakes in his calculations.

At the same time, I sympathize for the guy. He's in way over his head. His first year teaching AP Physics C, with no mentor to help him along the way. We're a pretty intimidating class. Still, we've offered enough feedback to start our own curriculum. We've told him what we wanted, he has yet to deliver. It's now the end of the year. Less than three weeks until the AP test. Where are we now? No further than where we started in the beginning of September.

I know I could be doing a lot more in the class. I could be supplementing my wasted class time with hours self-studying from the textbook. I swear that textbook was intentionally written in a language only geeks can understand. Geekret Code. In fact, it would probably be more helpful if each student brought in his or her own textbook, read it individually during class, and asked questions as they arose. That's how much help Mr. Briber is. I'm pretty sure he can clarify and interpret fundamental principles of physics, but when it comes to math, he's shit. Then again, I have no right no complain, my math skills are downright pathetic. Still, a teacher is a teacher, a student is a student. Standards are different but no less demanding.

It's hard to keep up your grade when he assigns endless assignments that he has not equipped you to do. There's only so much you can make up with extra credit. I feel like I'm buying my A in that class. Unacceptable. The homework problems are Greek to me. The labs are Klingon. I know that I should go in outside of class to seek explanations, but I'm reluctant to waste anymore time on this Black Hole excuse of a class. Also, if I asked for math help, is he competent enough to supply it? How can I trust his answers when it has become second nature to doubt everything that comes out of his mouth? "He's been wrong before...Should I just ask Copes?" What kind of teacher-student relationship is that? I

I used to like Physics. I still do. I just hate this class.

JHU Pre-frosh!

It's official! I am now a incoming freshman (pre-frosh) at Johns Hopkins University! I think the decision would have been a lot harder to make had I not attended Asian Perspectives this past weekend. I fell in love with the campus and the campus culture. I say the past five days were days well spent.

When I looked out the window during the plane's approach to Baltimore, I was struck by the sheer amount of trees. Everything was green! Not a monotonous green like you tend to get in California, but every shade of green, mixed in with purples, pinks, and reds. My first thought was, "Oh my God. I love this place."

It was a difficult trip, getting from BWI airport to the JHU campus. I had to take a MARC train by myself, with all my luggage, to the Baltimore Penn station, then take another shuttle to campus. There was a sketchy moment on the train when I was the only person left in my compartment that left me wondering if I was actually on the train to Baltimore Penn and not, say, on a train with Destination: HORROR emblazoned on its side. (Oh, Sue Sylvester. I love you.) When I bought the ticket, I asked for "Penn station, please." The guard gave me a look and said, "Which one?". There was brief pause of "OMG. There's more than one?" and I guess stupefied horror was etched very clearly on my face because the guards started laughing. "Umm...the one that goes to Johns Hopkins University?" Whew. Thank god for vague, general statements.

I got to Baltimore Penn safely, but I probably looked like a retard walking up and down the station with a backpack, a rolling suitcase, and a sleeping bag. For the life of me, I couldn't find the shuttle stop for JHU. I had to ask a guard who said helpfully, "Just walk towards the big ugly statue and make a right." It wasn't very hard to identify the big ugly statue. (Refer to Facebook pictures.) I watched the first shuttle pull away right when I got there. Being the shameless tourist I am, I took the opportunity to bust out my camera and start taking pictures of the Baltimore skyline. No sooner had I taken out my camera when another shuttle pulls up. This led to chaos of hastily shoving my camera back in my bag, mentally muttering "shit shit shit", readjusting bags, and tripping my way onto the shuttle. Embarrasing. My luggage was so big that I had to leave them clogging up the aisle. I turned to the lady sitting across from me and ask, "Do you know where I get off for JHU?". She gives me a strange look (an expression I was to become very familiar with) and asks "What part?" Oh, mother of God. Not again. Luckily, I had called my host at the train station before I left and she had told me to meet her at Levering Hall. The people on the bus were kind enough to tell me "You're supposed to get off here." when we pulled up to the stop. Then, as if they weren't kind enough, a senior who had gotten off at the same stop offered to walk me to Levering Hall. She said, "I was heading in that direction anyways." THANK YOU KIND STRANGER! I never even got her name. ):

Just walking through campus to get to Levering Hall, I must have taken dozens of pictures. Trees! Grass! Gorgeous architecture. I was dizzy with the glorious novelty of it all. I spent the first evening sitting in on my host's dance practice. Natasha Senn, my host, is part of the dance group, Eclectics, one of the many extracurricular dance crews on campus. They were working on a routine to "Ease on Down the Road". I love that song! haha. They practiced until 8 PM. I hadn't eaten since I left the San Jose airport at 4AM. After we dropped off my luggage in her dorms (a forced triple), Natasha, her roommate Allison, and I went to Nawena's, a fancy Japanese restaurant just off campus. Zaru Soba ftw! I think the meal was especially delicious because I was starving.

Natasha had borrowed a inflateable mattress for me. THANK GOD. All the other prefrosh had to sleep on the hard floor. mehehe. My roommates were all awesome! Two of them were in sororities. Allison was in a engineering sorority while Erin was in some...scary...drinking...sorority. Hahaha. It was nice seeing the many different kinds of students that attend JHU.

The next morning, I tailed Natasha to her classes - American Literature 1820-1856, Social Psychology, and IFP. I loved EVERY ONE. The American Literature was pretty average sized for JHU, around 20 people. Psychology was huge! There was around 300 students in the room, and over half of them were browsing Facebook. (No shame, me too.) The IFP class was very small and kind of intimidating. 6 people, sitting in one row, within arm's reach of the (hot) grad student teacher. I didn't have a single moment to be bored and I was even inspired to take notes. Kamikaze sperm! Hiya!

IAC (Inter-Asian Council) did a really good job coordinating events that would give us a feel of JHU. We met with two sororities and I must admit, the sisters were nothing like I expected. They were all nice, smart, friendly people, not the girls-gone-wild characters I had in mind. Dessert socials are bomb, by the way. They made us shaved ice at the first one and deep-fried oreos at the second. Woot. I got to exchange phone numbers and Facebooks with a lot of them. When I got back home, some of them had already posted on my wall. For a second, I actually entertained the thought of joining a sorority. (; (Not going to happen.) The last night, we attended one of their sorority/fraternity parties. CRAZY. Let's just say, some people should not be allowed to play beer pong. I had this nice blue alcohol, no idea what it was, but it was delicious. heh. I left the party slightly buzzed and very happy about being at JHU. hahahaha

I think the most helpful part of my experience was the Student Panel. They had four students, two pre-med, one pre-law (the fourth one was just a senior) come and speak to us about their experiences. We got to ask them questions while eating Dunkin' Donuts, Einstein Bros. Bagels + cream cheese and drinking coffee and orange juice. They really gave us a feel to what we should expect. I stayed after to talk to Alex R. who, as it turns out, came from St. Francis high school near Campbell. We even had a friend in common! haha. Total Six Degrees of Separation moment. By the end of the trip, I was pretty reassured that when I go to JHU, I will never be at a loss for help and advice.

I think God has played a huge role in my attending JHU. I've said before that I applied to JHU on a whim. I never even entertained the idea of coming here. But God works in marvelous ways, and here I am. At the Relay for Life event, I was literally kind of spacing out when I hear Lester (our lead coordinator) say, "C'mon. Try talking to the Pre-Frosh". I turn around just in time to see this girl say "But I don't know any of them." Again, on a whim, I stuck out my hand and introduced myself. And so, God introduced me to Maria Ly from San Leandro, CA. We talked for half an hour about everything -- her experience at JHU (she is a current freshman), her major (Neuroscience), what it's like to be pre-med, and ultimately, available fellowships on campus. When I left for JHU, I was Natural Science - Undeclared. After talking to her, I have a pretty strong inclination to go NeuroSci. Within one day of being at JHU, I had been pointed toward the general direction of a Major and been hooked up with a Christian fellowship. God is Awesome.

I met so many nice people on this trip. "Nice" is usually the worst thing you can say about someone, but in this case, it is the highest compliment. We pre-frosh were pretty tight by the end. There was Jimmy and Rachel from New Jersey, Bryan from Seattle, Ella from Maryland, Robert from Chicago, Rachel from Delaware, Liyang from Pennsylvania, Michael from New Mexico, and Eric and Alicia, my fellow Californians. They also played a major role in my decision to submit my SIR. Some of them were still debating between other schools, but I know a lot of them are leaning more strongly toward JHU now. (; Boo, Northwestern, Duke, and UPENN!

Before I left, I spent an exorbitant sum on a JHU jacket. I'm trying my best now to forget how much it cost me. haha. Let's just say that more than half of all the money I spent on this trip went to that one item. My Asian side is so ashamed but my JHU side is crowing with pride. haha.

Needless to say, I love JHU. I love its clubs/organizations/fraternities/sororities/etc. I love its buildings. I love Baltimore. I love its classes. I really look forward to the next four years!

General Practitioner, HERE I COME!!

Airport

I'm sitting at the San Jose airport right now...probably looking like a big doofus with my backpack and sleeping bag. My flight leaves in less than an hour. Must say, I'm stoked! Still a bit nervous about changing planes, but I'm sure I'll figure it out by the time I get there. In less than 10 hours, I'll be at Johns Hopkins University, getting a taste of my potential future. :D Of course, I've got my camera on hand to document every moment. Can't wait to meet my host, Natasha Senn! Can't wait to finally visit the East Coast! (Florida doesn't count.)

Hope it isn't too cold...

Blessed

This Thursday, I will be leaving at the buttcrack of dawn on a plane to Baltimore, Maryland. I must admit I never even entertained this as a possibility when I applied to colleges. Johns Hopkins University. Damn. Life's funny like that. I applied on a whim, and now I'm almost certain that I will be spending the next four years of my life there.

I got rejected from Stanford first. I wasn't surprised. haha. I felt oddly emotionally attached from it. Then, Harvard and Yale. I was devastated for three hours. I guess I was naive in thinking I could compete with the top 6% of incoming freshman from all over the world. I'm still disappointed, but I also know that life goes on. Besides, there's always grad school. (;

My dad always tells me that finding inner peace is crucial. How much is enough? I used to think it was a crime to be satisfied with one's own accomplishments. I believed that I had to strive to be the greatest and the best at everything I set my mind to. I guess I'm thankful to have my Dad, who keeps me grounded in reality. He's always there to comfort me in my failures and remind me that there are far more important things to worry about. Wasted emotions, he calls it. While we were climbing Mission Peak, he gave me this Chinese Idiom: "The higher you climb, the lonelier you get." (Yeah, it sounds much more poetic in Chinese.) Today, I was in Ms. Copes room when I saw this quote she put on her wall: "Your best may never be enough for some people, but your worst is never enough for you." These quotes helped me to put my life in perspective.

My life isn't going exactly the way I hoped it would. But then again, that's how life is. Unpredictable. It's a continual struggle for me to define the point at which I am satisfied. How much is enough? I'm glad I got into Johns Hopkins. I think this is God's way of teaching me a life lesson. If I had gotten into Harvard, how happy would I be? I would be incessantly competing against the best and the brightest, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But I also want to focus on other things. I hope that, wherever I end up attending for undergrad, I will have the opportunity to challenge myself, widen my perspective, and prepare for the great future God has in store for me.

I've been on a Lord of the Rings binge of late, so I guess I'll sum this up with a LotR quote:

"All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given us."

-Gandalf

Life happens. Now all that's left for me is to decide what to do with this hand I've been dealt.

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