License to Kill

I've been in a constant state of heightened anxiety for the past three days. I had how you have to make a driving appointment at the DMV a month in advance. It's like sentencing yourself to four whole weeks of anticipation, fear, and occasional nausea. I admit that driving has become a personal demon after three failed attempts for that tiny plastic medal.

The amount of intense prayer I've been doing since yesterday must have been clogging up God's inbox. Prayers for wisdom, courage, confidence, guidance, DIVINE INTERVENTION... I even prayed in the shower. At one point, I was so desperate that I swore to give up cursing if I passed the driving test. I'm working on that right now, trying to figure out what words constitute as obscenities. I mean, is "douche" really a bad word?

I spent last night tossing and turning restlessly in my bed. I must have mentally gone over every possible route that the proctor could take me on. I reminded myself to come to a complete stop before every limit line, go forward a little to see oncoming traffic, and come to a complete stop again before turning right at a red light. I reviewed the right-of-way for every possible scenario. What if there was a garbage truck in my way? A train? A schoolbus? God forbid, a firetruck or an ambulance? You can imagine the kind of paranoid nonsense running through my brain at 3-4 in the morning. All the while, I had background prayer on repeat in my head. Insanity.

I owe a lot to my family. They've supported me emotionally, financially (each retake cost $12), and mentally throughout this entire ordeal. As I waited in line for the proctors to reach me, my Dad attempted to distract me by spouting miscellaneous anecdotes ("Say, did you hear about the Chinese girl who was stripped of her gold-medal?"). My mom would call every once in a while for updates. My sister was praying for me in Chicago. (:

But more than anything, this victory goes to God. Just last week, Andrew Tai shared this scripture with us:

"Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business, and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'"

-James 4:13-15

I think my previous failures were lessons and reminders for me to humble myself. Everything I've accomplished, I've done through God's will. Through God, all things are possible.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

- Matthew 7:7

I kept these verses in mind as I prayed feverishly to God. I prayed that His Will would be done and that He would comfort me, whatever the outcome.

GOD WAS WILLING. YEEEEE!

I could not have done this without the Big Guy. Every time I went in for the driving test, my skin would feel either flushed or clammy, my hands would be shaking, my legs would be wobbly, my pulse would be racing, my thoughts jumbled and incoherent. It may sound like I'm exaggerating, but my parents can attest to the fact that the pressure I feel from simply being in the presence of the Fremont DMV is palpable. I plan on never returning ever again! hee!

When we pulled back into the DMV, the lady just ripped off the top piece of paper and handed it to me.

"Take this to window 11."

"...Does this mean...I passed?"

"Mmhmmm."

"OH...MY...GOD. Excuse me, what's your name, ma'am?"

"Kalala."

"THANK YOU KALALA. Can I shake your hand?"

(exchange handshake)

"Would you like me to walk you back to the DMV?"

"No. It's Ok. You can go."

I literally held the door open for her, helped her out of the car, and shut the door for her. I'm pretty sure all proctors are monotone by default, but..I STILL LOVE HER. :D

PRAISE JESUS.