Failure to Paste

I finished my first Orgo Lab two weeks ago like it was NBD. I synthesized and recrystallized some salicylic acid and I thought I was the shit. This week, I go into Orgo Lab expecting it to be pretty much the same thing. So confident was I, that I even had the gall to bring my iPod. I thought my lab life could use some Mika-spice. The professor gave us permission to listen to music as long as we didn't distract anybody else or lose control of our reactions. Who's dumb enough to do that? I'll just keep my dance moves to a two-foot radius, you know?

First few minutes of lab go great. I go to the reagent hood and get all the materials I need. The reaction goes great, everything is clear, colorless, and exciting as always. Then comes the part where we add water, ice, and wait for ten minutes. Ten minutes? What better time to un-tss-un-tss to some Foster the People? I'm dumping the 10 mL of water and the 10 mL of ice into my solution, bawling at all the kids to outrun my gun, when Andrew, the TA, comes over.

"That doesn't look like a paste."
"Eh?"
 "Did you wait until your solution became a paste?"
"WHAT?"

A quick perusal of the procedure reveals that I had skipped an ENTIRE step, where I was supposed to soak my solution in a ice-water bath while stirring it into a white paste. I felt like I was Neville, being chastised for stirring five times counterclockwise instead of six times in the reverse direction.

"ANDREW. WHAT DO I DO? IS THIS SALVAGEABLE?"
"Well. All your product is in there. So you can't exactly go back. But don't worry, all the molecules you need for the final product are still in there. Just move on to the next step."
"Guh."

Major fuck-up number one.

Throughout the next three hours, I snuck glances at everyone's aspirin crystals, comparing their yields to mine. They had about twice as many crystals as I did. Balls.

Then, one of the final steps of the lab was to recrystallize the product again to ensure purity. Because this was the second lab, the rules were very general. "Psh. I can do this." I thought. I had a great yield for salicylic acid from the previous lab (a great yield that I lost because of my failure to paste).  The key is being patient. Instead of waiting merely ten minutes for my product to crystallize, I waited twenty. I dared to hope.

I finished the lab in a total of about four hours. I'm all cleaned up and getting ready to go when my lab neighbor asks me, "Is this what your product looked like at this point?" He's got his solution in an ice bath.

"What step are you on? Did we have to do an ice bath?"
"Andrew said it's a given when it comes to the recrystallization process."
"FFFFFFFUUHHHH."

So yeah, if I end up with half as much aspirin as everybody else...I have no one to blame but myself. I think this is God chastening me for my hubris. I pretty much thought/think everyone in my lab neighborhood is an imbecile. But now, I know that I am the greatest imbecile. Sigh.

I hope lab gets better. But one thing is for sure, I'M NEVER LISTENING TO MUSIC DURING LABS AGAIN.

Keeping in Step With the Spirit

It's 11:41PM right now in Baltimore, and I've been lying in bed since 10:10. It seems, despite my best efforts to sleep at a reasonable time, my mind is determined to deprive me of much needed rest. I spent the labor day three-day weekend studying Orgo and looking up summer research opportunities. I feel stressed out about things that haven't even started their application processes yet. Such is the life of a pre-med. Still, I came to several realizations this weekend. 1.) I want to do something abroad. Either a semester or a summer, hopefully in Australia/New Zealand.  2.) I am going to take a glide year.

For those of you who don't know or use a different term, a glide year is the year between undergrad and med schools that some applicants choose to take to rest, bolster their application, and prepare for the next level of hell.

In the little over one week I've spent back in Baltimore, I've already dropped a class, dropped a major, contemplated another minor, and entertained the thought of studying abroad. I start work next week. School starts for real this week. While I never feel more lost in the grand scheme of life than when I'm in Baltimore, at the same time, nowhere else do I feel the security of Christ to this extent. After meeting up with some church peers/mentors, I really feel that God is telling me to trust in Him. Even more so, it seems that He is calling me to get to know Him more, to deepen my relationship with Him. I still struggle with what that means -- how to hear His voice, how to see his will for me. But I feel that I am in the right place and the right situation to learn.

When I lie in bed, my mind constantly goes over the different things I could do to be better. The professors I should get to know in order to garner a good letter of rec, the tutorials I should take that would look good on my app, the research opportunities I should pursue to enrich my work experience...the list just goes on. Talking with Jen today, something she said really resonated with me. God doesn't love us for what we do, what we accomplish. He loves us for who we are. My identity isn't determined by what I do and how much I do. I need to learn to be content with my identity in Christ -- a beloved daughter who is unique in His sight. God gave each of us different gifts. Just like you can't use a screwdriver to do the work of a hammer, I can't force my gifts to do what I want them to do. Instead, I must be patient, trust in the Lord, until he provides an opportunity to use my gifts the way He intended and to glorify His name.

I don't know if medicine is the path that God has laid out for me. But I do know that in order to get where God wants me to go, I need to walk by faith and keep in step with the Spirit. I will go wherever my Lord leads me.