Deevolution

Lately, I've had the niggling feeling that I was de-evolving.

I don't know if I can blame it all on Senioritis. For example, I spent the whole day today watching TV. I watched one episode of The Big Bang Theory, two episodes of The Colbert Report, one episode of Bones, one episode of NCIS: Los Angeles, and then three fourths of Glee. I know I have Calc homework, I can't just bring myself to do it. Something about all those damn lns and trigonometric crap on paper makes me want to off myself. Publicly.

I can't even focus on my college applications. I should be done by now, but I keep on staring at the supplements and wondering why they don't just magically fill themselves. My muse is suffocating. Too much TV, not enough thought.

Yesterday, I read The Apology by Plato. It was a rather dry read, but it made me think a lot. I've always needed to remind myself to be humble. Socrates, though somewhat sarcastic, is right in saying that the wisest man is one who acknowledges that he is not wise. I mean, there is so much out there we have yet to learn. How can anyone possibly know anything? Intelligence is not a measurement of knowledge. It's the ability to use the knowledge you acquire. Application over theory. That's what I need.

Nah. What I really need is inspiration. My electric guitar lies cold in the corner. My acoustic is propped, hollow, on the bookshelf. My room is a mess. I can't go a day without getting frustrated about something. It's a culmination of Physics, Physiology, Calculus, life...I mean, just how much is school supposed to mean to me? At first I think school is too much of a priority in my life, and now I'm blowing off homework to watch Glee. There's a balance. I used to know where it lies.

My patience nowadays is really thin. Honestly, I'm tired of school. I'm so eager to graduate, escape, get away from it all. Something about school just ticks me off. I feel like I'm not being challenged enough, like I'm not challenging myself. When people talk, I manage to tune them out in a manner of seconds. I don't do it intentionally. I'm just so...bored. I'm annoyed. I'm angry. I'm depressed.

Aren't those the normal stages?

The philosophical question of the day: "What is the meaning/purpose of life?"

I still say the purpose of life is to seek knowledge and entertainment. We spend the first quarter of our lives getting book-smart, the next quarter getting family-smart, and the rest getting world-smart. But in the course of all this learning, what happens when we get bored? When we can't find a reason to keep on living, keep on learning? That's when life loses its purpose and people escape.



I want start over again.

Piss and Moan

Life is frustrating. Sometimes, everything just falls into place, like the force of gravity is pushing with you and not on you. Other times, things are just so confusing that you just want to scream...and curse. Right now, it's more like the latter.

So, I've already pissed and moaned about my Physics class. Today, I heard a rumor that Mr. Briber stays at school until 8PM studying Calculus. That just makes me feel really bad...and uncharitable. It's like we don't even appreciate his efforts. I want to do the right thing, if only I knew what it was. How can I tell him that we're not learning, or even understanding the sample problems on the board? I think on Monday, a group of us will politely request that he start lecturing instead of simply throwing us to the wolves. He's a good, nice guy....just writes semi-illegibly and doesn't really know Calculus yet. I hope we can help each other. We need to cut him some slack, but we don't need to suffer in the process.

Then there's club drama. I don't know what clubs I want to do. Now that Simply Help is gone, there is a huge gaping hole in my life. I've tried to fill it with Yuva, but it's "simply" not the same. ): Sometimes I feel like I have no direction where Yuva is going, that I have no idea how I ended up so involved in all of it, and that I wish I didn't take that step. I already made a commitment, but I can't help but wonder what would happen if I were free. Recently, I discovered that Joy Anes is the president of the Love Ignited Christian Club. They meet on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Tuesdays, they have guest speakers. Thursdays, they have praise and worship. I really really want to go check it out. Apparently, a lot of teachers on our campus are Christians and intend to be guest speakers at the meetings. There's so much out there I have to learn, so much that I am ignorant of...

I had a really great conversation with Joy and Thuy about Christianity, the Bible, and Jesus that day. It made me really reconsider myself as a Christian. I know I could do so much to help out, but instead I find myself holding back. What should I do? I can't shirk previous obligations, but it wasn't my responsibility in the first place. Now I find myself in a lovely mess.


And then there's college apps. Well, the art supplement is killing me. Who knew that recording a ten-minute sample of piano takes hours and hours of aggravation, screaming, and homicidal rage? Nothing is more frustrating then playing and playing and playing, only to make a mistake at the last moment.

That's life.

Freaking Out

It's 10 PM on a Sunday night, and I am freaking out. The mandala project for AP Gov is due tomorrow, but I haven't been able to get in touch with my friend all weekend. D: Now I don't know whether or not she even knows it's due! Horror! Is it wrong of me to hope she doesn't come to school tomorrow so we can say "Oh, she has it. Can we turn it in tomorrow then?" We could totally present tomorrow, display-less, except she also is in possession of one-half of the words. I really don't see how this situation is going to play out in our advantage.

I'm just praying and praying right now that this all works out.

Quick Update

It's Thursday night, and I just finished having the crap massaged out of me by my Dad. I woke up this morning with a pulled muscle in my neck. Hurts like the dickens. So my Dad rubbed it out (hurt like hell) and then put Salonpas on it. Now it burns. And smells. :(

Well, anyways, on the dark side, there is a Calculus mid-term tomorrow. We've put it off since Tuesday, but I don't feel anymore prepared. ;___; Shell method? What's that? Iwas reviewing it earlier, and I realized that I completely forgot that you integrate it parallel to your axis of rotation. O.o That sounded really nerdy.

Still have some fem lit crit to do. Essay test tomorrow in Daniell...in addition to an epic Lab Exam in Elwell's. I need to start taking Physio seriously, instead of approaching it as the "Baby version of AP Biology". I remember how pissed Steven used to be over the differences, so I have to stay on my toes! Elwell is a tricky turd when it comes to his tests. >:[

On the bright side, tomorrow is Friday! Community service on Saturday, but my morning is completely free! You know what that means, right? COLLEGE APPLICATIONS!!! Ok, I tried to make that sound way more exciting than it really is. On the bright side, I'm done with my UC personal statement....just a billion private school supplements to do now. ): I've read so many personal statements that I'm all personal statemented out. I love reading and editing other people's work, but by the end, everything becomes "blah blah blah". I'll be writing my own essay, and I'll stop, read over what I wrote, and delete entire paragraphs of blah at a time. Disgusting. Anyways, I'm gradually getting back into school mode, despite the Physics C drama. I need to step up my game if I want to be ready for that AP test. Heelllloooo Youtube!