Emo Rut

Has anyone else ever felt that no matter how happy you are in life, there will be a time in the distant future when you will find yourself back in the Emo Rut? (Fondly shortened to ER)

It's as if the Emo Rut is pleasantly situated in the Valley between the Hugging Hills and Merry Mountain. OK. That was just an excuse to squeeze in some disgusting alliteration.

I have been more happy than I have been in a long time. It's been a combination of things really. A reunion with ADVENT that I thought was never going to happen. The Baptism. Just really getting in touch with the person God wants me to be instead of the person I want to be. But no matter how hard I work at it, there is always a bit of a lull that leaves me feeling disappointed. As if the huge ball of anger and hate that I've been slowly chipping away at left a vaccuum that leaves my insides feeling chilly and empty. I still get angry, I still get irritated. It's not always easy to tamp down on my emotions. But I'm not perfect. I do my best. I get by.

Maybe it's because I'm on my period. It's the best excuse. I'm easily irritated by the little things, overly emotional over the nonexistent. A friend says or does the wrong thing, and immediately, I can feel myself judging and assessing their character. When I'm like this, I find it's better to just distance myself a little bit from people. It's better to move them into the safety zone and prevent the inevitable hurt feelings.

I've been struggling with something of late, and I really don't see a solution in sight. I've been praying about it a lot, asking for guidance and wisdom. I thought the best thing to do was forget about it, but it seems that my subconscious is particularly unforgiving. Even in my dreams, it bothers me. I keep on trying to convince myself that if I immerse myself in college apps and television, it'll resolve itself. Frustrating. Irrational. Why can't I have the emotional capacity of Bones. ): But then again, she had Seeley Booth.

I want one.

(sigh)

H