Surviving Prologue

Wow, a lot has happened since I blogged last. Let's see...there was my White Coat ceremony, first real week of classes, first exam, my birthday, second exam, and here we are -- all done with my first block of medical school. So much for faithfully chronicling it. As it turns out, med school is BUSY. Who knew? I think I have read more in the past few months than I have in the past few years. Before my first exam, I literally read the equivalent of a large textbook in a weekend. This is my life now.

Anyways, here is a brief rundown of all the awesome things that have happened to me in the last couple weeks/months:

- Finally got the coveted white coat! My parents actually dressed up for the ceremony, and if you know my family, you know that never happens. I'm pretty sure they wore shorts to my last graduation. And of course, we celebrated afterwards by getting some quality soul food. That oxtail though! WHOOWHEE!

- Passed my first medical school exam ever. Studied way too hard. Went home the weekend after and slept for 12 hours. Med student down.

- Celebrated my 23rd birthday by telling absolutely no one in order to avoid being cornered as a crowd of people sing me the dreaded birthday song. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do during that? Twiddle my thumbs? Cringe as people sing in approximately 20 different keys? Furthermore, do I clap with everyone when it's over? Do I say "Thank you" afterwards?? PLEASE SPARE ME THE AGONY.  In typical Abby fashion, I grabbed my free birthday drink from Starbucks ($7, fuck yeah), and went to class like a good girl. Even went to the evening review session -- now that's how you treat yo'self on your birthday. 

Haha just kidding, I did celebrate my birthday a little bit. My good friend Tina came up with her partner and my sister to take me out to dinner that Wednesday. We ate to the pain at Espetus (OMG, those chicken hearts though!) I would include a picture of us there, but my sister does this thing where pictures in her camera don't see the light of day for at least half a year. Sigh. Then, my parents picked me up that Friday and took me to House of Prime Rib. I got the King Henry cut, thinking it was the only one that came with the dessert slice. Not only could I have settled for the House of Prime Rib cut, but I also was never offered a dessert slice!! UGH. I couldn't have eaten a single more bit, but STILL. The principle!!

A formidable foe

I am always so grateful to have such an amazing family and such great friends. They treat me right. Like a baby. A very hungry baby.

Honestly, med school has been a blast so far. I've met some of the most awesome and authentic people who challenge me to see from new perspectives and never settle for less than my best. Whether we're freaking out in the Anatomy lab, checking out the faculty members in Histology lab, kayaking, paddle-boarding, hitting the gym, or shamelessly inhaling free samples at Costco, I am so grateful to have these people in my life. 

I mean, look at these goobers. Kayaking study break in the Bay!

But let's get real for a moment here. Med school is also hard. Many people here are feeling the pressure and it just reminds me how important it is to be open and honest to your peers. When I'm struggling, I ask for help. Just as importantly, when I get it (rare as this may be), I offer to help others. That's how we stay sane around here. Someone wise once said, "Never compare your insides with somebody else's outside." This could not be more true in med school. Everyone is coming from a different background. Some have had science courses every day for the past four or five years and even continued to do research in relevant science fields for countless numbers of years after that! Others have been out of school for years, working in the real world in a field that may or not even be related to medicine or science. It's not always rainbows or butterflies, sometimes people are dicks, sometimes people get hurt, but the most important thing is that you do you, boo. Whether it's rearranging your priorities, avoiding toxic people/environments, or actively constructing a collaborative and supportive social circle, you got to do what you need to do to 1.) stay sane, 2.) be the best that you can be, and 3.) be a positive influence on those around you. 

It sounds simple, but it can be so hard, especially when you're having a bad day or week. For example, a few weeks ago, I fell behind on my reading because I was having too much fun celebrating my birthday with friends and family. I skipped going to the gym that week and I cut back on sleep in order to make time to catch up. During that entire week, I was constantly tired. I felt like I couldn't concentrate or think and my eyelids would start feeling heavy whenever the lights were dimmed. By the end of the week, I just felt burnt out. I literally went home and slept for 12 hours straight. I can't imagine doing that or feeling that way every single day for any more than a week. I changed how I study, I cut back on gym time instead of cutting it out entirely, and I make sure to go to bed by midnight each night now. I feel more energized, more sharp, and most importantly, more positive about everything that I have to do. 

It also helps that I am working now (a small federal work study job), which gives me a feeling of financial stability -- I can treat myself to Jamba Juice once every blue moon now with less guilt -- while also allowing me to continue pursue my other passion, teaching. It's only 4-8 hours a week, I get paid for my transportation time, and I get to work with elementary school kids to help them strengthen their reading skills (which is what I did with Americorps during my year off). It literally could not be more perfect -- God is great!

One more thing -- I'm still figuring out where I stand with God and with the church. I've visited the campus fellowship and it seems like they are a great group of people. But committing to stick around on campus on Friday nights is difficult, especially since I live so far away. Also, not having a campus church is another huge obstacle. Most of the people from the fellowship attend church in the Mission by Dolores Park and that is a 45-60 minute bus ride away for me. Seems pretty impractical. Hopefully, I will find a good church to visit in Inner Sunset for those weekends in which I stay in SF instead of traipsing home for good food and company. 

So yes, it's becoming abundantly clear that medical school is going to be a looooong journey --more like four back-to-back marathons, really. But I'm excited to be here and I'm hanging in here! For now. 

First Steps in the Right Direction

I tried to write a blog yesterday to talk about how awesome the past two days of orientation were, but my thoughts were too jumbled in my head. How could I possibly convey this sense of excitement, positivity, optimism, and exuberance -- all sentiments usually stored in a dusty corner of my emotional repertoire. Now the first day of school has come and gone and I am still in disbelief that this is real. I'm at my dream school. And it's everything that I hoped and imagined it would be.

The purpose of orientations is really to set the tone for the rest of the program and UCSF blew it out of the water. Most orientations consist of 500 dry presentations about policies, program details, and technology broken up by icebreakers. Painful. Icebreakers. There were definitely still awkward icebreakers, but there wasn't a single passive moment. Instead, UCSF invited dozens of faculty members to volunteer their time and work with the first year medical students in small groups to discuss issues concerning diversity and bias. I was really struck by the fact that UCSF doesn't waste time (or money) on pomp and circumstance but instead hones in on real issues that plague our institutions. They are truly training us to become empathetic physicians who are firmly rooted in the communities we serve. In our small groups, we discussed difficult scenarios about racial discrimination and shared true stories of times we each had been hurt in the past. To learn more about our biases and perspectives, we talked about our backgrounds (our origin stories, if you will) and shit got real. Because of the heavy nature of the topics, we were able to dispense with small talk and really represent our genuine selves. I am so thankful that I have the privilege of attending a school that encourages discussions about controversial topics, a school that acknowledges that it doesn't exist in a void but instead bears a responsibility to the community to advocate for and model positive change. 

The conversations I had with my classmates over those two days has really affirmed that these are the people I want to learn and grow with over the next four years. There's a Chinese saying, "近朱者赤,近墨者黑", which roughly translates to "He who stays near vermillion is stained red, He who stays near ink is stained black." It's a fancy Chinese way of saying that you take on the "color" or characteristics of the company you keep. If you hang out with good people, you naturally start to adopt their good behavior, but conversely, if you hang out with bad people, you will start to take on aspects of their bad behavior. More simply put, you pick up the attitude, perspective, and behavior of the people you spend time with.

I think this past year, I picked up a lot of bad habits like having a poor attitude, assuming negative intent, and talking shit. These past few days have reminded me that's not who I am or who I aspire to be. Meeting these amazing UCSF physicians who are the best in their fields yet take time out of their busy schedule to invest in me and my fellow first-years has been transformative -- these are the role models I look up to, these are the physicians I strive to emulate.

I've said it before, but I can't stop thinking this to myself every day I'm here: I definitely made the right choice to come to UCSF. Don't get me wrong, going to Hopkins could also have helped me to become a good doctor, but I strongly believe that coming to UCSF will place me on the path to becoming a better person. 

It was a whirlwind of a first day. I've never felt this way about school before; It was always something that I had to do, not something I necessarily wanted to do. It feels like I've been eating the vegetables off the plate of life and now I've finally gotten to the best, meaty part that I've saved for last. And who knows, maybe afterwards, I'll have dessert!

New Chapter New Layout

So after five years of on and off blogging, I have finally changed the layout of my blog. This blog has always been a public diary of sorts, an outlet for my younger self. But now that I'm grown and attempting to adult, I think it's time that my blog grows with me as well.

Many things have happened since I blogged last and I honestly regret not tackling my writer's block to keep a more faithful chronicle of events passed. Looking back on experiences I wrote about like interning at the Mennonite Christian Hospital or my first days at university, I realized that I had forgotten about so many things and events that had made those experiences so meaningful at the time. And now, over a year from my last post, the only written account I have about my year of service at Reading Partners through Americorps is a saved draft with one sentence written -- "Tomorrow I start work with Americorps as a Volunteer Coordinator with Reading Partners!" Paltry effort, past Abby, shame on you. In any case, there may come a day when I try to go back and revisit my time with Reading Partners, as well as the whole medical school application process, but for now, let's fast forward to today: my first day of orientation at UCSF.

When I was in undergrad and people asked me what my dream med school was, my guarded answer was always "In an ideal situation, UCSF? Super unlikely, long shot, but a girl can dream right?" So when I was waitlisted in December, I simply told myself that I couldn't be disappointed because it was what I had expected all along. Then, one day in March when I was driving home from work, I get an email notification from UCSF that read "Status Change". Opening the email required me to log in with my UCSF ID and information, something I had neither the hands nor the multitasking skills for. I called my sister, frantic, begging her to check for me but she was still on the BART. Finally, at a red light, breaking all sorts of traffic violations, I got the email to open. I had been accepted.

I didn't scream. I didn't cry. I just drove calmly home and delivered the face steaming device that my Dad had requested for his congestion. As I handed him the box, I said, " I got you a gift." As he took the box, I repeated myself, "I got you a gift." He held up the box. I shook my head. "I got into UCSF." He said "How much was the face steamer?"

...

I should always know better than to surprise my parents. I looked him in the eye and said very slowly, "I. Got. Into. U..C..S..F!" He made the cute little face he always does when he's surprised. We ran over to tell my Mom. They were ecstatic. It seemed like a sure thing that I would be attending UCSF in the Fall.

When I received my financial aid package from UCSF, I was disappointed. I knew better than to expect a package comparable to Johns Hopkins from a public institution, but it looked like I would have to pay over $20,000 more per year to attend my dream school. (Hopkins' financial aid package would have covered everything, including housing, except $3,000.) It seemed inevitable that I would return to Baltimore for another four years.

Now I know this is the ultimate first world problem/humble brag. Oh, my life is so hard, I have to choose between attending the two medical institutions ranked #3 in the nation. Boo freaking hoo. I know both options were great, but I had to figure out which was best for me.

I won't go too into detail about that decision at this time, but it ultimately came down to student culture and school atmosphere. When I visited Hopkins, the message I received was "Look how lucky you are to be here at our amazing institution!" whereas the message from UCSF was "Look how lucky we are to have you!" I know that's not a big thing and that I could very well have been equally happy at both schools, but after both second look weekends, I knew that UCSF would be the better fit for me, even if it meant condemning myself to over $100,000 in loans.

Here I am, sitting in my room (fondly nicknamed "the closet with a closet") after my first full day of orientation and I feel at peace with my decision. Meeting my fellow classmates and taking a tour of the anatomy lab, I genuinely look forward to learning and embarking on this four year journey with my peers. I look to my left and to my right and I am still coming to terms with the fact that these people may soon come to be my closest friends. Maybe I felt this way when I first started program orientation at Reading Partners, but now, a year later, I can't unremember each inside joke or take back each earned nickname. I guess that's why I want and need to start blogging again -- so I can document and preserve a true snapshot of my feelings along this journey; so I can look back a couple months or years down the road and laugh at each awkward moment and interaction; and most importantly, so I can retain the value of each new experience, even after memory has long failed.

So I'm renaming this blog: "An Adventure of Accidents". Because I never dared to dream that I would end up here. Because I don't trust that I've ever done anything deliberately in my life to deserve this. Because I'm still not sure UCSF hasn't made a horrible mistake.

But I'm excited to see where this path leads...

Embracing Sadness

Sadness is poetic. You're lucky to live sad moments...Because when you let yourself feel sad, your body has antibodies, it has happiness that comes rushing in to meet the sadness...The thing is, because we don't want that first bit of sad, we push it away with a little phone or a jack-off or the food. You never feel completely sad or completely happy, you just feel kinda satisfied with your product, and then you die..."
 - Louis C.K. (x)


A lot has happened in the past few months. "A lot" may even be somewhat of an understatement. 
I was single. I changed my mind and grasped at the frayed ends of an unraveling relationship. I was single again.

I strengthened friendships. I entered new friendships. I hugged friends goodbye as our paths diverged.
After four years of mingled tears and laughter, I graduated.

I was offered a job. I turned it down. I applied to 50+ other jobs.  I waited. I cried. And with each passing week, I felt my confidence waver. Seven months after I sent out my first resume and cover letter, I was offered another job. I accepted.

And through all of this, I can't say that I ever sat down and processed all that has transpired. The truth is, I am afraid to embrace the sadness. During the last week of my undergraduate career, I stayed up until 2-3AM every night hanging out with friends, desperate to wring out every good moment before it was time to say goodbye for what may very possibly be forever. And on that last night, as I perched on the Johns Hopkins sign with my friends and stared up into the night sky scanning for shooting stars, I couldn't shake the feeling that the sadness which had been my shadow in those final moments had finally caught up.

Though I am painfully aware of the void that my friends' presence, jokes, and laughter left behind, I wouldn't give up a single memory to mitigate the pain -- not a single area meeting, late-night office study session, karaoke road trip to the mall, NERF dart to the face, disappointed Sunday at Chick-Fil-A,  empty moscato bottle, drunken crotch grab, piece of naan at Tambers/Kumari, workout in Wolman, chicken wing from PJs on Monday, soju bomb, or midnight chicken nugget. (My memories, it seems, are dominated by food.)

However sad I am that we will never again live in world where there is always havoc to be wreaked on the first floor, I remain grateful for having been a part of that experience.

To grow is to change and to change is to both embrace the sadness that comes with loss and anticipate the happiness that accompanies new things. So as I brace myself for the start of my first full-time job, marking my entry into the real world, I remind myself: growth is good.

Spring Break Musings

It never really hits me that break is over until I have to re-set all my alarms. This break feels particularly short since I hardly left campus. I was snowed in for a day, volunteered at Shepherd's for another two, and with my HPCA deadline looming in the near future, there was hardly any break to be had. I have had to write quite a few essays this week, and it made me realize that it has been a long time since I had written anything of substance. In fact, it's been a long time since I've even read anything of substance. When was the last time I picked up a book for the simple pleasure of reading? 

For the past few months, I felt like I've been fading. It's a re-occurring thought I have, a question really, but "Who am I?" or "Who have I become?" I hardly recognize myself anymore. Sometimes I'm bitter. Sometimes I'm just depressed. There are days when people bring out the worst in me, and still others when my friends bring out more than what I thought I had to offer. I'm sickeningly grateful for the people who have been placed into my life. My friends, my family. They stabilize me when all I want to do is throw myself down onto the rocks and call it quits.

I'm at a crossroads now. Graduation is coming up and I don't know where I'll be in a few months. I may be in Baltimore, working as a front desk manager at Shepherd's Clinic. I may be in San Francisco, working as a study coordinator at UCSF. Or I could be jobless, penniless, sitting at home in San Jose, suffocating in a self-created vacuum, devoid of ambition. We shall see. All I know is, I filled out this goddamn HPCA, so I better be on track to go to medical school in a year. Christ.

I need something to work for again. :\ 

 

Done

" I can still hear my Daddy's last words to me. "Abby, find a good church and grow in Christ." (Roughly translated) Lately, I've been thinking a lot about finding a strong fellowship that I can commit to and grow in for the next four years."

Going through my old blog posts from when I first came to Hopkins. What a joke. I am 300% done. 

I could really use a new addiction right about now.