Spring Break Musings

It never really hits me that break is over until I have to re-set all my alarms. This break feels particularly short since I hardly left campus. I was snowed in for a day, volunteered at Shepherd's for another two, and with my HPCA deadline looming in the near future, there was hardly any break to be had. I have had to write quite a few essays this week, and it made me realize that it has been a long time since I had written anything of substance. In fact, it's been a long time since I've even read anything of substance. When was the last time I picked up a book for the simple pleasure of reading? 

For the past few months, I felt like I've been fading. It's a re-occurring thought I have, a question really, but "Who am I?" or "Who have I become?" I hardly recognize myself anymore. Sometimes I'm bitter. Sometimes I'm just depressed. There are days when people bring out the worst in me, and still others when my friends bring out more than what I thought I had to offer. I'm sickeningly grateful for the people who have been placed into my life. My friends, my family. They stabilize me when all I want to do is throw myself down onto the rocks and call it quits.

I'm at a crossroads now. Graduation is coming up and I don't know where I'll be in a few months. I may be in Baltimore, working as a front desk manager at Shepherd's Clinic. I may be in San Francisco, working as a study coordinator at UCSF. Or I could be jobless, penniless, sitting at home in San Jose, suffocating in a self-created vacuum, devoid of ambition. We shall see. All I know is, I filled out this goddamn HPCA, so I better be on track to go to medical school in a year. Christ.

I need something to work for again. :\