The Whole Wide World

Logged back in for the first time in a long time and found an unfinished draft from the first 6 weeks postpartum...and here we are 6 months postpartum. Perfectly representative of how life has been as new parents. I used to be on top of my texts and social media, but now I find myself responding to messages a day or two later...if I respond at all. Still waiting for life to find its rhythm, but so far, every day has been different. The twins sleep when they want to and don't when they don't. Sometimes they nap at the same time, sometimes they choose to take turns. It's like treading to keep your head above water and never knowing when you'll be able to take the next gulp of fresh air. 

What's happened since the last time I sat down to jot down my thoughts? 

Well the nipples are doing great now. It seems I was very concerned about these last time. I hope they can retire soon as the kiddos have started testing their new baby teeth out on solids. Something about watching them gum tortillas and fruit brings me great joy. Luna is obsessed with my coffee cup and even after I offered her a drop to taste thinking the bitter taste would turn her off, she demanded more. I may have inadvertently created a monster. When I see them tracking our food with their eyes and reaching out with their grabby hands, I feel a twinge of pride. These are definitely our little foodie babies. 

Uram's mom has been here for almost 2 months. I can no longer remember what life was like without her. She wakes up before me and has breakfast ready before I finish my first morning pump. She's like a laundry ninja, she has the load of laundry I started folded before I've had time to circle back and check the dryer. She cooks every meal for us and she actively denies us opportunities to eat out. (Her rule is once a week...if that. Also, no instant noodles. Uram is bereft.) She's in the garden, she's taking out the trash, she's freaking Roy Kent -- she's here, she's there, she's every fucking where. Her presence rounds out our team of Super Grandparents. Uram and I have looked at each other and expressed our misgivings about how our life will probably fall into shambles once she leaves in September because we've become so accustomed to her support. 

The girls have outgrown their reflux (finally). Now our next hill to conquer is the sleep schedule. It's been an uphill battle. Their naps can be anywhere from 30 minutes to 2.5 hours. We still wake them up once at night when I do my middle of the night pump. The logic is that it's better for me to wake up once then have them wake up between my pump and my alarm. Hoping we can phase this out in the next month or so...and maybe end middle of the night pumping too. 

We had our supply scares. One particularly bad clog left my boob feeling like there was an octopus latched to it. It took over a week for it to clear and for the supply to come back to normal. But now that the girls are eating more porridge and playing around with finger foods, maybe my time as the milk machine is coming to an end. I'll miss the free pass to eat whatever I want...I'll probably blow up like a balloon once my metabolic rate returns to normal. 

It's still surreal that I am a mom. Right now it feels more like we have two new pets. It's hard to conceive that these two little crying, pooping cuties will grow into sentient beings that can talk (and talk back) one day. I've heard people say it's hard to go back to work because they miss their babies too much. But let's be real, I am more tired on days I don't have work than on days that I do. Babies are exhausting y'all. More exhausting than a demanding patient panel -- and that's saying something! But I think being away helps me appreciate them more when I return. Seeing their faces light up when they see me is restorative, even though sometimes I worry that I've done nothing to deserve being their favorite person in the whole wide world. One day they might outgrow it, but for now, I'll take it!