New Chapter New Layout

So after five years of on and off blogging, I have finally changed the layout of my blog. This blog has always been a public diary of sorts, an outlet for my younger self. But now that I'm grown and attempting to adult, I think it's time that my blog grows with me as well.

Many things have happened since I blogged last and I honestly regret not tackling my writer's block to keep a more faithful chronicle of events passed. Looking back on experiences I wrote about like interning at the Mennonite Christian Hospital or my first days at university, I realized that I had forgotten about so many things and events that had made those experiences so meaningful at the time. And now, over a year from my last post, the only written account I have about my year of service at Reading Partners through Americorps is a saved draft with one sentence written -- "Tomorrow I start work with Americorps as a Volunteer Coordinator with Reading Partners!" Paltry effort, past Abby, shame on you. In any case, there may come a day when I try to go back and revisit my time with Reading Partners, as well as the whole medical school application process, but for now, let's fast forward to today: my first day of orientation at UCSF.

When I was in undergrad and people asked me what my dream med school was, my guarded answer was always "In an ideal situation, UCSF? Super unlikely, long shot, but a girl can dream right?" So when I was waitlisted in December, I simply told myself that I couldn't be disappointed because it was what I had expected all along. Then, one day in March when I was driving home from work, I get an email notification from UCSF that read "Status Change". Opening the email required me to log in with my UCSF ID and information, something I had neither the hands nor the multitasking skills for. I called my sister, frantic, begging her to check for me but she was still on the BART. Finally, at a red light, breaking all sorts of traffic violations, I got the email to open. I had been accepted.

I didn't scream. I didn't cry. I just drove calmly home and delivered the face steaming device that my Dad had requested for his congestion. As I handed him the box, I said, " I got you a gift." As he took the box, I repeated myself, "I got you a gift." He held up the box. I shook my head. "I got into UCSF." He said "How much was the face steamer?"

...

I should always know better than to surprise my parents. I looked him in the eye and said very slowly, "I. Got. Into. U..C..S..F!" He made the cute little face he always does when he's surprised. We ran over to tell my Mom. They were ecstatic. It seemed like a sure thing that I would be attending UCSF in the Fall.

When I received my financial aid package from UCSF, I was disappointed. I knew better than to expect a package comparable to Johns Hopkins from a public institution, but it looked like I would have to pay over $20,000 more per year to attend my dream school. (Hopkins' financial aid package would have covered everything, including housing, except $3,000.) It seemed inevitable that I would return to Baltimore for another four years.

Now I know this is the ultimate first world problem/humble brag. Oh, my life is so hard, I have to choose between attending the two medical institutions ranked #3 in the nation. Boo freaking hoo. I know both options were great, but I had to figure out which was best for me.

I won't go too into detail about that decision at this time, but it ultimately came down to student culture and school atmosphere. When I visited Hopkins, the message I received was "Look how lucky you are to be here at our amazing institution!" whereas the message from UCSF was "Look how lucky we are to have you!" I know that's not a big thing and that I could very well have been equally happy at both schools, but after both second look weekends, I knew that UCSF would be the better fit for me, even if it meant condemning myself to over $100,000 in loans.

Here I am, sitting in my room (fondly nicknamed "the closet with a closet") after my first full day of orientation and I feel at peace with my decision. Meeting my fellow classmates and taking a tour of the anatomy lab, I genuinely look forward to learning and embarking on this four year journey with my peers. I look to my left and to my right and I am still coming to terms with the fact that these people may soon come to be my closest friends. Maybe I felt this way when I first started program orientation at Reading Partners, but now, a year later, I can't unremember each inside joke or take back each earned nickname. I guess that's why I want and need to start blogging again -- so I can document and preserve a true snapshot of my feelings along this journey; so I can look back a couple months or years down the road and laugh at each awkward moment and interaction; and most importantly, so I can retain the value of each new experience, even after memory has long failed.

So I'm renaming this blog: "An Adventure of Accidents". Because I never dared to dream that I would end up here. Because I don't trust that I've ever done anything deliberately in my life to deserve this. Because I'm still not sure UCSF hasn't made a horrible mistake.

But I'm excited to see where this path leads...