Sometimes I Wonder...

Sometimes I wonder...


1.) If I was absolutely drop dead gorgeous, would boys finally appreciate me for being me? Then I realize, that if I were absolutely drop dead gorgeous, boys wouldn't care who I am or what I believe in, I'd be reduced to a set of walking breasts and long legs. We can't have that can we? Then, even worse, what kind of boys will I attract? Drooling penises? I don't think so. So perhaps my cushiony bits are God's way of damming my ocean and keeping me out of the pool. (heh) I can wait until I meet the perfectest guy. I hope.

2.) If I'm ever going to meet The One and have drama of my own. I love hearing about all your drama. I love watching drama. I love living drama through Television. But do I want a Dramallama of my own? Can I handle it? How can I scoff at other people and their almost-perfect-but-not-quite-dresses or their I-love-him-but-he-loves-my-vagina boyfriends? Drama should be healthy. And when I meet The One, We're going to have lots of healthy drama together. (;

3.) Is it all worth it? The clubs, the AP Classes, Church. I like feeling occupied, I like being productive. If I wasn't involved in all these things, what would I be doing? Watching TV. Eating. Reading. So I guess it's a good thing I'm masochistic. Whip myself into shape doing things that I love to hate. When I have a good college education, a impressive degree that I can't remember the Acronym of hanging on my wall, a bazillion figure salary paying for my family's liposuction --I will look back at this time and say - "Damn. Life is good." For now, I can only sigh, cry, and scream. But later, I will laugh.

4.) How much time do I have left? To study for AP tests, to spend with my family, to see my friends, before I finish all episodes of House ever made? I feel like I haven't slept well in years when in reality, I probably get more sleep than any of my peers. (I have no doubt that there are dozens of voodoo dolls with my visage being stabbed, decapitated, disemboweled, and poked with needles labled "insomnia" out there somewhere. ) It's like I get sleep, but I'm unable to enjoy it because I'm in a perpetual state of worry. Worry worry worry. What haven't I done? What if everything I work my ass off for now amounts to nothing? What if I die bitter and alone because I'm so fat I have to be airlifted out of my house every morning? Oh, the humanity!

5.) Is my sex drive really as big as the ocean?

6.) What am I going to do when I grow up? I don't even know what I want to major in, let alone what college I aim on getting into! Leave me alone! I'll figure it out when I'm applying!

7.) Does God love me? Well yeah, he does, but WHY. That's the ultimate question.

8.) Do I love people like they deserve to be loved? Hell no. I believe that if everyone were as humble as God wanted them to be, there would be no pain, poverty, and strife in the world. Can you imagine that? How can you be racist, rich, or arrogant if you believe that you are no better than the black/mexican/asian/white hobo man lying in a puddle of his own vomit on your doorstep. If the world were populated by Good Samaritans...

9.) If I were so extremely rich that I could wipe my butt with hundred dollar bills, would I be able to retain my humanity? If I were tempted, would I fall? Would I care? haha. Probably not. If someone offered me a million dollars to NOT helf an old lady cross the street, I'd probably do it. We discussed the necessity of the Atomic Bomb today and it's shocking how quickly Johnson and I said "Drop the damn thing." haha

10.) What is love? Baby don't hurt me.