2. He owns a diary. In all our grossly exaggerated chickflicks, there is always the sensitive and caring boy who doesn't seem to know that he's devastatingly attractive. We all know the type. But ladies, please. Do you want to talk to a guy about his feelings? Nuh-uh. I don't need to remind you that it's all about us. Always. He just needs to shut up and listen. So when he owns a diary, it's just the first warning sign that should turn you around before you find yourself sitting on your couch Saturday nights, spoon-feeding him Decadent Double Chocolate Brownie ice cream while he sobs into your shoulder about how they cancelled Gossip Girls.
3. He knows more about Twilight than you do. First of all, he is a pansy. "Oh, baby. I'll be your Edward. Let me bite you and suck your blood. Mmm." Did I turn anybody on there? Yeah. That's right. NO. Overprotective alpha male who jumps from tree to tree? Only sexy in concept. Chances are, the boy is only pretending to be into it to get into your pants (or shall I say, jugular vein?). If not, then you are in serious danger of being murdered by a psychotic serial killer. Really? "Your blood sings me sweet lullabies." Gross.
4. He hates Lord of the Rings. He's gay. Gay, gay, gay. What straight, hetero, brawny man could ever hate Lord of the Rings? Epic battles, bro codes, and bromance in three hour doses. If he says no to Lego, you tell him to GTFO.
5. He has an unhealthy obsession with his penis. You know what I'm talking about. He feels the need to write penis everywhere. He draws penises on other people. And you notice, when you draws them, they're BIG. Think he's compensating for something? Mmmmmhmm. His noodle doodles may seem merely immature and innocuous, but they're really cries for help. Until he's happy with the equipment (or lack thereof) God's given him, you better steer clear. You may find yourself saying "Does size really matter?" for the rest of your life.
6. He makes gay jokes. One or two is fine. Heck, three or four is great too. But if "gay" is every other word coming out of his mouth, I'd say there are some insecurity issues lurking not far under the surface. "Huh..huh..that's gay." , "Get off me you homo." Afraid of enjoying life a little too much?
7. He wears socks with sandals. I'm sorry. These people need to be taken out and executed.
8. He doesn't own a television. What is this man doing with his life? Honestly, where'd you find this guy? Under a rock? In Amish paradise? Throw him BACK. What are you going to do Friday nights together. Go out? God forbid! Think about it. No cuddling in front of the TV, imagining he's McDreamy while he imagines you're Cameron. No sighing as you stroke his unmangled leg and wish wistfully that his eyes were electric blue. What kind of relationship is that? Unless you convert him, he's always going to be transmitting analog while you only receive digital. Sad.
9. He doesn't look good in a suit. James Bond. Barney Stinson. Robert Downey Jr. What do these men have in common besides being the Sex Gods of our society? They look good in suits. It's about the cut. It's about the shoulders. It's about the attitude. When I see some guys in suits, I want to cry. It's like Mommy threw the dumpling in the water and left them in there for too long. Get it tailored, for God's sake. Suits are God's gift to man (and woman), and you've just DESECRATED them. So yes. If he doesn't look good in a suit, refer him to the nearest tailor and tell him to try again.
10. His idea of a pick up line is to rub your stomach and say "Soon this will be filled with my seed."
HAHAHAHA
ReplyDelete5hrs later
HAHAHAHAHAH