Birthday Week (edited for le sister)

I've been meaning to blog about my birthday week for the longest time, but I've been feeling really unmotivated about everything and anything recently. I've said multiple times that this week has been one of ups and downs for me and while yesterday was so Up I could hear the wilderness calling (kuKAW), today I'm once again in a bad, bad place. Still, here are a series of discoveries I've made this week:

1.) Orgo isn't that bad --
                Took my first Orgo exam and it wasn't as terrifying as I thought it would be. I spent the entire night previous tossing and turning and dreaming about oversleeping. I studied insanely hard for that test, and if it weren't for Orgo as a Second Language, I'd probably still be puzzling over Falzone's crazy CPS questions. Now they just need to come up with Nervous System as a Second Language. Still, now is not the time to get cocky. I think the next test is coming up in around two weeks. College life sucks. NBD.

2.) My brain is no longer able to focus exclusively on one task --
            This has been one of my greatest fears for a while now (along with losing my hair, getting noticeable cavities, being poor, and dying alone), but I've noticed that I'm having more and more difficulties staying on task. I read a few studies about people who multi-task often being less able to focus on single tasks but performing better when it comes to task-switching. This basically means we are almost permanently in a flexible state of mind/attention, a good or bad thing depending on the task at hand. When I watch my TV shows on Hulu, I often have the show playing on the left side of the screen while simultaneously playing Tetris, Minesweeper, or Words With Friend on the right side of the screen. Never reversed. For some reason, I can't focus on my Tetris this way. I should really look into the neural implications of that. GOD, look, off task! Anyways, have I trained myself to become ADD? For the past several lectures, I've found myself spacing off in Nervous System lectures. It's gotten to the point where I'm looking at past midterms and I don't recognize some of the terms. It's like "Did he mention that during lecture? What was the last lecture about anyways? Come to think of it...and the one before that?" Screw City. That's where I am.

3.) Reuniting with the piano after a year is like having sex with a stranger --
          Loud, discordant sex. Everything is strange, yet familiar. Thrilling. Your hands need to explore and remap every surface, and each touch provokes a new, unexpected sound. It takes a while to find a steady rhythm, and occasionally you find yourself getting carried away, going too hard, too fast. Anyways, need to have more sex practice more.

4.) I have the greatest family in the world. And I miss them---
           My sister called me at midnight and we basically chatted it up for half an hour despite my looming Orgo Test. It felt like forever since we'd actually caught up. Damn, I can't wait for Thanksgiving. The day before my birthday, my parents had actually mailed me a care package chock full of food and other goodies. There was also a DVD that said "Abby's 19th Birthday" and a card. For a second, I questioned whether my father forgot that I was turning 19 and was sending me pictures/videos from my 18th. Such a trusting daughter I am. Anyways, I decided to exercise my self-control and open them on my birthday. I figured I would need the encouragement before my test. My birthday rolls around and I pop the DVD in. I start reading the card as I wait for it to load. By the time the video started, I'm already bawling. Then my Dad starts tearing up in the video, which makes my Mom start tearing up, and this of course reduces me to a sobbing mess. Tears. All over my keyboard. I blame my father. But the catharsis was good for me. That afternoon, I receive a package in the mail. My sister sent me a Shakespeare insults mug (which I paid for. Ha.) But yessss. Now I can finally put my coffee in a cup that doesn't leak! :D GAAAH. I want to go home so damn badly.

5.) God has blessed me with good friends.
           Every year, I pull a bitch move and do not inform anyone it is my birthday. And of course, each year, the occasional stubborn friend pulls some Sherlock shit and finds out, the hard work put in involuntarily preserving the special date in memory for all posterity. Devious? I think so. Anyways, the birthday wishes I get do make me feel cherished and loved. Especially the picture ones that threaten to force me out of the closet. (hrmhrm) My small group leader had originally asked to meet up, not knowing it was my birthday. She cancelled the day before and I thought nothing of it, only to discover that she had done so to bake me brownies. D: THE LOVE. Then, I get back from small group to find my friends sitting in the kitchen, waiting to surprise me. Cute. :) I was coming back to my room after small group and decided to stick the brownies in the fridge. I waltz into the kitchen/living room area, totally not noticing that the door was shadily closed. I'm halfway into the room before I see Chumin and Roger and I say "hey", not yet registering that there's a few more people sitting in the sofa in my peripheral. It takes me about two more seconds to realize that they are not Bonnie's friends, as I had originally assumed, but mine....the same amount of time it took them to cease their chatter, blink owlishly at me, and shout a belated "SURPRISE!". BEST BIRTHDAY SURPRISE EVER. I think I surprised them more than they surprised me. (; Of course, Jenna on the side; "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO YOUR ROOM." hahahahaha.

6.) Free birthday things bring much happiness --
            I got a free burger + two sides at Ruby Tuesdays and a free $6 coffee at starbucks (venti salted caramel mocha. too sweet, in my opinion) On a semi-relevant note, I also bought myself a Slurpee because it was my birthday and I felt entitled. BLUE RASPBERRY. YUM.

I spent yesterday and the Hibachi Grill and Supreme Buffet with my friends. We also went to the mall. I had made them walk 1.2 miles to the bus stop so we could save on taxi money (I'm a bad friend) so by the time we got to the mall, I just wanted to sit. Needless to say, I didn't buy anything except Starbucks....slowly making my way to Gold level, yes I am. It was gorgeous yesterday, blue skies with not a cloud in sight. Food in my belly, refillable tea in hand, I was at the top of the world. On the entire bus ride home, I was just praising and thanking God for all the different ways he's blessed me in life. School was the furthest thing from my mind. But now I'm sitting in my room in my PJs, looking over Nervous System notes/slides that look completely foreign too me, and praising God is not exactly #1 on my list of things to do right now. I think it's sitting pretty somewhere around #4. But that's just awful of me. Who can't praise God when life is going great? It's the times that are hard that you really need to trust in Him, rely on Him, and give all praise and honor to Him. Easier said then done. Right now I'm praying that he'll help me to surrender all my thoughts and insecurities, all my iniquities to Him. God, it's hard.

Sometimes problems are easier to solve with a few shots of tequila. Falling sooooo short right now.

Failure to Paste

I finished my first Orgo Lab two weeks ago like it was NBD. I synthesized and recrystallized some salicylic acid and I thought I was the shit. This week, I go into Orgo Lab expecting it to be pretty much the same thing. So confident was I, that I even had the gall to bring my iPod. I thought my lab life could use some Mika-spice. The professor gave us permission to listen to music as long as we didn't distract anybody else or lose control of our reactions. Who's dumb enough to do that? I'll just keep my dance moves to a two-foot radius, you know?

First few minutes of lab go great. I go to the reagent hood and get all the materials I need. The reaction goes great, everything is clear, colorless, and exciting as always. Then comes the part where we add water, ice, and wait for ten minutes. Ten minutes? What better time to un-tss-un-tss to some Foster the People? I'm dumping the 10 mL of water and the 10 mL of ice into my solution, bawling at all the kids to outrun my gun, when Andrew, the TA, comes over.

"That doesn't look like a paste."
"Eh?"
 "Did you wait until your solution became a paste?"
"WHAT?"

A quick perusal of the procedure reveals that I had skipped an ENTIRE step, where I was supposed to soak my solution in a ice-water bath while stirring it into a white paste. I felt like I was Neville, being chastised for stirring five times counterclockwise instead of six times in the reverse direction.

"ANDREW. WHAT DO I DO? IS THIS SALVAGEABLE?"
"Well. All your product is in there. So you can't exactly go back. But don't worry, all the molecules you need for the final product are still in there. Just move on to the next step."
"Guh."

Major fuck-up number one.

Throughout the next three hours, I snuck glances at everyone's aspirin crystals, comparing their yields to mine. They had about twice as many crystals as I did. Balls.

Then, one of the final steps of the lab was to recrystallize the product again to ensure purity. Because this was the second lab, the rules were very general. "Psh. I can do this." I thought. I had a great yield for salicylic acid from the previous lab (a great yield that I lost because of my failure to paste).  The key is being patient. Instead of waiting merely ten minutes for my product to crystallize, I waited twenty. I dared to hope.

I finished the lab in a total of about four hours. I'm all cleaned up and getting ready to go when my lab neighbor asks me, "Is this what your product looked like at this point?" He's got his solution in an ice bath.

"What step are you on? Did we have to do an ice bath?"
"Andrew said it's a given when it comes to the recrystallization process."
"FFFFFFFUUHHHH."

So yeah, if I end up with half as much aspirin as everybody else...I have no one to blame but myself. I think this is God chastening me for my hubris. I pretty much thought/think everyone in my lab neighborhood is an imbecile. But now, I know that I am the greatest imbecile. Sigh.

I hope lab gets better. But one thing is for sure, I'M NEVER LISTENING TO MUSIC DURING LABS AGAIN.

Keeping in Step With the Spirit

It's 11:41PM right now in Baltimore, and I've been lying in bed since 10:10. It seems, despite my best efforts to sleep at a reasonable time, my mind is determined to deprive me of much needed rest. I spent the labor day three-day weekend studying Orgo and looking up summer research opportunities. I feel stressed out about things that haven't even started their application processes yet. Such is the life of a pre-med. Still, I came to several realizations this weekend. 1.) I want to do something abroad. Either a semester or a summer, hopefully in Australia/New Zealand.  2.) I am going to take a glide year.

For those of you who don't know or use a different term, a glide year is the year between undergrad and med schools that some applicants choose to take to rest, bolster their application, and prepare for the next level of hell.

In the little over one week I've spent back in Baltimore, I've already dropped a class, dropped a major, contemplated another minor, and entertained the thought of studying abroad. I start work next week. School starts for real this week. While I never feel more lost in the grand scheme of life than when I'm in Baltimore, at the same time, nowhere else do I feel the security of Christ to this extent. After meeting up with some church peers/mentors, I really feel that God is telling me to trust in Him. Even more so, it seems that He is calling me to get to know Him more, to deepen my relationship with Him. I still struggle with what that means -- how to hear His voice, how to see his will for me. But I feel that I am in the right place and the right situation to learn.

When I lie in bed, my mind constantly goes over the different things I could do to be better. The professors I should get to know in order to garner a good letter of rec, the tutorials I should take that would look good on my app, the research opportunities I should pursue to enrich my work experience...the list just goes on. Talking with Jen today, something she said really resonated with me. God doesn't love us for what we do, what we accomplish. He loves us for who we are. My identity isn't determined by what I do and how much I do. I need to learn to be content with my identity in Christ -- a beloved daughter who is unique in His sight. God gave each of us different gifts. Just like you can't use a screwdriver to do the work of a hammer, I can't force my gifts to do what I want them to do. Instead, I must be patient, trust in the Lord, until he provides an opportunity to use my gifts the way He intended and to glorify His name.

I don't know if medicine is the path that God has laid out for me. But I do know that in order to get where God wants me to go, I need to walk by faith and keep in step with the Spirit. I will go wherever my Lord leads me.

Second Day of School

The first day of school has come and gone and now I'm halfway through second. Already, I've questioned and doubted myself and almost dropped my double-major. I have a pretty packed schedule, class everyday from 9AM to ~4:30PM, except on Fridays when I have Orgo Lab until 6:30 PM, but most of those hours are filled with my RA hours. I'm actually supposed to be doing my RA duties right now. (; Still, when there are no subjects in the lab, it's a great time to catch up on schoolwork, or as is the case right, just think.

I might not actually be able to do my 9 hours a week RA schedule this semester, which would totally bum me out and destroy my college plans. With my current load, I'll be taking 19.5 credits, three of which are research credits. That's only 5 classes though -- Orgo, Orgo Lab, Korean I, Rev. Ref. and Inequality of China, and Nervous System I. I'm not sure if this is a crazy schedule...will find out today. Still, I want to avoid dropping any research credits because I want to finish up that requirement this year. That would free up my next two years for clinical research, which I am very interested in looking into. If I drop a class, I'd probably drop China, but that would force me to take over two East Asian studies classes each semester in my Senior year. Suck suck suck. I actually stayed up for an additional hour last night thinking about these things.

I spent my down time at research yesterday emailing the Dean of Academic Advising and my department head/advisor about my conundrum. To overload on credits, I need approval from the Dean of Academic Advising. He told me to get a letter of "support" from my department head/advisor. She hasn't responded yet. :\ Why must they make my life difficult? Let me slowly kill myself in peace.

Anyways, on a more optimistic note, I'm getting along great with the new lab manager! She's from Australia and we had a great time yesterday talking about cultural differences. They don't have pumpkin pie...or THANKSGIVING. (gasp) Even though it's totally a "duh" realization, it's still mindblowing that they have no pilgrims or turkey in November. No Sasquatch...Satchmo...uh...Shaniqua?...whatever that Native American corn master's name was. Also, their Christmas takes place in their Summer. Their Santa dashes through the bush! D: I think she's also open to getting me a lot more involved in the lab this year. Score!

Nervous System, China, and Orgo Lab are the only classes I have yet to sit in on. I'm excited and terrified all at once. ): Still praying that everything works out. I keep on reflecting on PR's message from last week, about how we weren't made to always push ourselves to the limit. But how do I avoid doing that when I don't know what my limits are? Also, in my QTs on Monday, I came across this verse:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"

-- 2 Corinthians 12:9

Now I just have to learn how to be content in my own weakness.

End of Summer

I can't believe summer is coming to a close already. Looking back, it's hard to process that I already spent over two months in Taiwan and another one chilling/eating in San Jose. Great things were done this summer but I can't let the fading memory of those things hold me back from doing many more this semester. I'm always really sad after saying goodbye to my family. I DIDN'T CRY THIS TIME. YES. That part will come after I'm all moved into my new single and the realization dawns that, once again, I am alone.

I worry about a lot of things when I leave the house. First and foremost, the dogs. I miss my babies so much. ): But after seeing how suddenly Sebastian passed, I'm more and more concerned for Sonatina. I don't want another situation where the bad news is relayed over the phone and goodbyes are left unsaid. I also worry about who will keep the peace in the family when I'm gone. I don't have the best of tempers, but I have the worst of guilty consciences. I feel like this summer, after spending a week with Dad on his turf, I have a better understanding of my Dad as a person, and consequently, the problems that this family continues to stumble over. Still, in my absence, all I can do is pray and surrender all these problems to God.

It's like I've lost all concept of time. Last year passed by so quickly. In fact, it feels like just a few months ago when I boarded a plane to go to Baltimore for the first time, a pre-frosh looking for something outside of what she already knew. Now that I've seen what lies on the other side, I wish I were back here where home is. Still, I am constantly reassured that I am in the right place, that I have allowed myself to be led by God. The near and distant future are still blank to me right now -- the new concerns this semester will bring, what to do next summer, how to get into med school -- but I feel that each new obstacle that I tackle only brings me closer to God and one step closer to realizing His plan.

It feels like I've learned so much this summer and at the same time, nothing at all.

Adventure of Mishaps

Dropped off the kids at school today with The Dentist and said my goodbyes. Slept through the entire train ride to Taoyuan. Got to the station and realized I probably should have called beforehand to make sure all arrangements were in order. After seeing nobody with an "ADVENT" sign at the airport, I called the number he emailed out a few weeks ago. His sister picked up and seemed very annoyed when she told me, "He's not using this number this year." Oh snap. It was at this point that I didn't know anything about the church I was supposed to go to except that it was within 760 m of the train station. Not the name. Not the street. Nothing.

For the next hour, I dragged my luggage around looking for wifi, laptop in hand. I started asking convenience store clerks if they knew about any Christian churches nearby. After hitting up Familymart, Hi-life, Starbucks, McDonalds, I finally found a clerk at 7-11 who was like "Umm...I think so. Canaan?"

YESSSS.

She gave me directions and the street name. I knew it was a 3-minute taxi ride, so I decided to be cheap and walk it. I'm here safely now, by God's grace, and I want some pearl tea.

Peace.

LAST NIGHT. SNIFFLE

I'm chilling with Jenny in my room and it's like...11 PM. She's still studying Social Studies for her massive exams tomorrow. I'm watching True Blood. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door and Jenny is shadily summoned outside. Five minutes later, The Dentist, May, and Jenny come back upstairs with two bags of goodbye gifts for me. D: SNIFFLE. Jenny bought my candy, chocolates, and chocolate cookies. May made me a little stuffed rabbit. Aiyi bought me a journal cover and a handmade Amis keychain. We totally group-hugged it out and I did NOT cry (Thank you very much, Amy Wang).

God really blessed me with this family. They took me in for an entire month, housed me, fed me (extremely well), and went out of their way to make me feel at home. I got really close with May especially and I was just starting to get to know Jenny better. Hopefully, we'll continue to keep in contact. I've repeatedly invited them to America. May wants to come to MIT. :D That would be so awesome! I'm definitely going to keep them in my prayers as I leave tomorrow morning. May God bless them just as He has blessed me by bringing them to me.

I WILL NOT CRY.

Until I get on the train.