Failure to Paste

I finished my first Orgo Lab two weeks ago like it was NBD. I synthesized and recrystallized some salicylic acid and I thought I was the shit. This week, I go into Orgo Lab expecting it to be pretty much the same thing. So confident was I, that I even had the gall to bring my iPod. I thought my lab life could use some Mika-spice. The professor gave us permission to listen to music as long as we didn't distract anybody else or lose control of our reactions. Who's dumb enough to do that? I'll just keep my dance moves to a two-foot radius, you know?

First few minutes of lab go great. I go to the reagent hood and get all the materials I need. The reaction goes great, everything is clear, colorless, and exciting as always. Then comes the part where we add water, ice, and wait for ten minutes. Ten minutes? What better time to un-tss-un-tss to some Foster the People? I'm dumping the 10 mL of water and the 10 mL of ice into my solution, bawling at all the kids to outrun my gun, when Andrew, the TA, comes over.

"That doesn't look like a paste."
"Eh?"
 "Did you wait until your solution became a paste?"
"WHAT?"

A quick perusal of the procedure reveals that I had skipped an ENTIRE step, where I was supposed to soak my solution in a ice-water bath while stirring it into a white paste. I felt like I was Neville, being chastised for stirring five times counterclockwise instead of six times in the reverse direction.

"ANDREW. WHAT DO I DO? IS THIS SALVAGEABLE?"
"Well. All your product is in there. So you can't exactly go back. But don't worry, all the molecules you need for the final product are still in there. Just move on to the next step."
"Guh."

Major fuck-up number one.

Throughout the next three hours, I snuck glances at everyone's aspirin crystals, comparing their yields to mine. They had about twice as many crystals as I did. Balls.

Then, one of the final steps of the lab was to recrystallize the product again to ensure purity. Because this was the second lab, the rules were very general. "Psh. I can do this." I thought. I had a great yield for salicylic acid from the previous lab (a great yield that I lost because of my failure to paste).  The key is being patient. Instead of waiting merely ten minutes for my product to crystallize, I waited twenty. I dared to hope.

I finished the lab in a total of about four hours. I'm all cleaned up and getting ready to go when my lab neighbor asks me, "Is this what your product looked like at this point?" He's got his solution in an ice bath.

"What step are you on? Did we have to do an ice bath?"
"Andrew said it's a given when it comes to the recrystallization process."
"FFFFFFFUUHHHH."

So yeah, if I end up with half as much aspirin as everybody else...I have no one to blame but myself. I think this is God chastening me for my hubris. I pretty much thought/think everyone in my lab neighborhood is an imbecile. But now, I know that I am the greatest imbecile. Sigh.

I hope lab gets better. But one thing is for sure, I'M NEVER LISTENING TO MUSIC DURING LABS AGAIN.

Keeping in Step With the Spirit

It's 11:41PM right now in Baltimore, and I've been lying in bed since 10:10. It seems, despite my best efforts to sleep at a reasonable time, my mind is determined to deprive me of much needed rest. I spent the labor day three-day weekend studying Orgo and looking up summer research opportunities. I feel stressed out about things that haven't even started their application processes yet. Such is the life of a pre-med. Still, I came to several realizations this weekend. 1.) I want to do something abroad. Either a semester or a summer, hopefully in Australia/New Zealand.  2.) I am going to take a glide year.

For those of you who don't know or use a different term, a glide year is the year between undergrad and med schools that some applicants choose to take to rest, bolster their application, and prepare for the next level of hell.

In the little over one week I've spent back in Baltimore, I've already dropped a class, dropped a major, contemplated another minor, and entertained the thought of studying abroad. I start work next week. School starts for real this week. While I never feel more lost in the grand scheme of life than when I'm in Baltimore, at the same time, nowhere else do I feel the security of Christ to this extent. After meeting up with some church peers/mentors, I really feel that God is telling me to trust in Him. Even more so, it seems that He is calling me to get to know Him more, to deepen my relationship with Him. I still struggle with what that means -- how to hear His voice, how to see his will for me. But I feel that I am in the right place and the right situation to learn.

When I lie in bed, my mind constantly goes over the different things I could do to be better. The professors I should get to know in order to garner a good letter of rec, the tutorials I should take that would look good on my app, the research opportunities I should pursue to enrich my work experience...the list just goes on. Talking with Jen today, something she said really resonated with me. God doesn't love us for what we do, what we accomplish. He loves us for who we are. My identity isn't determined by what I do and how much I do. I need to learn to be content with my identity in Christ -- a beloved daughter who is unique in His sight. God gave each of us different gifts. Just like you can't use a screwdriver to do the work of a hammer, I can't force my gifts to do what I want them to do. Instead, I must be patient, trust in the Lord, until he provides an opportunity to use my gifts the way He intended and to glorify His name.

I don't know if medicine is the path that God has laid out for me. But I do know that in order to get where God wants me to go, I need to walk by faith and keep in step with the Spirit. I will go wherever my Lord leads me.

Second Day of School

The first day of school has come and gone and now I'm halfway through second. Already, I've questioned and doubted myself and almost dropped my double-major. I have a pretty packed schedule, class everyday from 9AM to ~4:30PM, except on Fridays when I have Orgo Lab until 6:30 PM, but most of those hours are filled with my RA hours. I'm actually supposed to be doing my RA duties right now. (; Still, when there are no subjects in the lab, it's a great time to catch up on schoolwork, or as is the case right, just think.

I might not actually be able to do my 9 hours a week RA schedule this semester, which would totally bum me out and destroy my college plans. With my current load, I'll be taking 19.5 credits, three of which are research credits. That's only 5 classes though -- Orgo, Orgo Lab, Korean I, Rev. Ref. and Inequality of China, and Nervous System I. I'm not sure if this is a crazy schedule...will find out today. Still, I want to avoid dropping any research credits because I want to finish up that requirement this year. That would free up my next two years for clinical research, which I am very interested in looking into. If I drop a class, I'd probably drop China, but that would force me to take over two East Asian studies classes each semester in my Senior year. Suck suck suck. I actually stayed up for an additional hour last night thinking about these things.

I spent my down time at research yesterday emailing the Dean of Academic Advising and my department head/advisor about my conundrum. To overload on credits, I need approval from the Dean of Academic Advising. He told me to get a letter of "support" from my department head/advisor. She hasn't responded yet. :\ Why must they make my life difficult? Let me slowly kill myself in peace.

Anyways, on a more optimistic note, I'm getting along great with the new lab manager! She's from Australia and we had a great time yesterday talking about cultural differences. They don't have pumpkin pie...or THANKSGIVING. (gasp) Even though it's totally a "duh" realization, it's still mindblowing that they have no pilgrims or turkey in November. No Sasquatch...Satchmo...uh...Shaniqua?...whatever that Native American corn master's name was. Also, their Christmas takes place in their Summer. Their Santa dashes through the bush! D: I think she's also open to getting me a lot more involved in the lab this year. Score!

Nervous System, China, and Orgo Lab are the only classes I have yet to sit in on. I'm excited and terrified all at once. ): Still praying that everything works out. I keep on reflecting on PR's message from last week, about how we weren't made to always push ourselves to the limit. But how do I avoid doing that when I don't know what my limits are? Also, in my QTs on Monday, I came across this verse:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"

-- 2 Corinthians 12:9

Now I just have to learn how to be content in my own weakness.

End of Summer

I can't believe summer is coming to a close already. Looking back, it's hard to process that I already spent over two months in Taiwan and another one chilling/eating in San Jose. Great things were done this summer but I can't let the fading memory of those things hold me back from doing many more this semester. I'm always really sad after saying goodbye to my family. I DIDN'T CRY THIS TIME. YES. That part will come after I'm all moved into my new single and the realization dawns that, once again, I am alone.

I worry about a lot of things when I leave the house. First and foremost, the dogs. I miss my babies so much. ): But after seeing how suddenly Sebastian passed, I'm more and more concerned for Sonatina. I don't want another situation where the bad news is relayed over the phone and goodbyes are left unsaid. I also worry about who will keep the peace in the family when I'm gone. I don't have the best of tempers, but I have the worst of guilty consciences. I feel like this summer, after spending a week with Dad on his turf, I have a better understanding of my Dad as a person, and consequently, the problems that this family continues to stumble over. Still, in my absence, all I can do is pray and surrender all these problems to God.

It's like I've lost all concept of time. Last year passed by so quickly. In fact, it feels like just a few months ago when I boarded a plane to go to Baltimore for the first time, a pre-frosh looking for something outside of what she already knew. Now that I've seen what lies on the other side, I wish I were back here where home is. Still, I am constantly reassured that I am in the right place, that I have allowed myself to be led by God. The near and distant future are still blank to me right now -- the new concerns this semester will bring, what to do next summer, how to get into med school -- but I feel that each new obstacle that I tackle only brings me closer to God and one step closer to realizing His plan.

It feels like I've learned so much this summer and at the same time, nothing at all.

Adventure of Mishaps

Dropped off the kids at school today with The Dentist and said my goodbyes. Slept through the entire train ride to Taoyuan. Got to the station and realized I probably should have called beforehand to make sure all arrangements were in order. After seeing nobody with an "ADVENT" sign at the airport, I called the number he emailed out a few weeks ago. His sister picked up and seemed very annoyed when she told me, "He's not using this number this year." Oh snap. It was at this point that I didn't know anything about the church I was supposed to go to except that it was within 760 m of the train station. Not the name. Not the street. Nothing.

For the next hour, I dragged my luggage around looking for wifi, laptop in hand. I started asking convenience store clerks if they knew about any Christian churches nearby. After hitting up Familymart, Hi-life, Starbucks, McDonalds, I finally found a clerk at 7-11 who was like "Umm...I think so. Canaan?"

YESSSS.

She gave me directions and the street name. I knew it was a 3-minute taxi ride, so I decided to be cheap and walk it. I'm here safely now, by God's grace, and I want some pearl tea.

Peace.

LAST NIGHT. SNIFFLE

I'm chilling with Jenny in my room and it's like...11 PM. She's still studying Social Studies for her massive exams tomorrow. I'm watching True Blood. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door and Jenny is shadily summoned outside. Five minutes later, The Dentist, May, and Jenny come back upstairs with two bags of goodbye gifts for me. D: SNIFFLE. Jenny bought my candy, chocolates, and chocolate cookies. May made me a little stuffed rabbit. Aiyi bought me a journal cover and a handmade Amis keychain. We totally group-hugged it out and I did NOT cry (Thank you very much, Amy Wang).

God really blessed me with this family. They took me in for an entire month, housed me, fed me (extremely well), and went out of their way to make me feel at home. I got really close with May especially and I was just starting to get to know Jenny better. Hopefully, we'll continue to keep in contact. I've repeatedly invited them to America. May wants to come to MIT. :D That would be so awesome! I'm definitely going to keep them in my prayers as I leave tomorrow morning. May God bless them just as He has blessed me by bringing them to me.

I WILL NOT CRY.

Until I get on the train.

Last Day at the Mennonite Hospital

This morning, I walk into the door of the Holistic Department and immediately, three people stand up in their cubicles and exclaim "She's here! She's come!" I'm like "Uhh...what the hell?" and I am whisked away to the conference room. (I'm being whisked a lot lately.) At first, Pastor Judy hands me the score to "Because He Lives" and says "Will you sing this for us?" I'm wanted to say "I'd rather not." but instead I said "Can I change the key?" After much discussion, it was established that we seen in very different ranges. haha. I have a tranny voice...they have Chinese opera voices. Not very compatible. Anyways, they ultimately decide to have me play the keyboard for them when they sing for the patients downstairs. I'm freaking out because I hate performing for the public without practicing, but before I know it, I'm crammed in the elevator with the keyboard, four associate pastors, and two pastors. Balls.

Things went pretty well, except for one minor mishap when I ended the song before it was actually over. A lot of "shit shit shit" and some one-handed playing while adjusting the volume went down. Then it turns out that Pastor Chao, who USUALLY plays the piano or sings for them, was just standing around "managing" the sound system. I was like "WHY AREN'T YOU DOING THIS??" She shrugs, "I forgot my uniform...upstairs" TURD. If she weren't taking me KTVing (karoaking) later today, I'd probably be pretty ticked off. haha.

OK, my task today is really just to deliver the thank-you letters I wrote for the people I spent the most time with.

Oh! Dude, God is totally forcing me to practice witnessing. First there was the testimony on Sunday. Then just now, Ya Wen found out that today is my last day. She insisted on treating me to some pearl tea. Conversation went something like this:

"TODAY'S YOUR LAST DAY?? NO ONE TOLD ME! I'M BUYING YOU PEARL TEA."
"Oh no, you don't have to."
"I INSIST."
"No, really--3Q milk tea, half sweetness, no ice. Thanks."

hahahahaha. No shame. 3Q milk tea turned out to be milk tea with ju ruo (jelly strips), coconut jelly, and red bean. Suprisingly good. Anyways, for some reason, she starts asking me really deep questions about the Christian faith. I know that she was given notice about a week ago, and that she was struggling with some things. All the more so because when she was hired two months ago, she wasn't a Christian. I think God really helped me in that conversation because at first, I was all like "Oh God, please don't let me say the wrong thing and turn her off religion forever. " but by the end, I was like sharing Bible verses. haha. Praise the Lord. I was afraid that she would bring up some questions that I couldn't answer, but things turned out all right. Ya Wen is a super caring girl. She's a social worker that is a social worker because she actually cares. It's not just a job for her. I really hope that whatever went down here doesn't change her passion for helping others.

But seriously, getting a lot of practice for missions. Less than 24 hours now!