BrainPain

Jesus Christ, my head hurts.

My head has hurt for the past three days. I think it's the cold weather. D: Everyday, by around 4 or 5 in the afternoon, I''m about ready to keel over and beg for mercy. This would be fine if it were any other day, I would throw back some Tylenol, crawl into bed, and pray for death. But Finals week? Now that's just cruel. I have to force myself to stay awake and study. D: STUDY. Jesus. More brain spasming.

Well. Physio is done. That means only two finals left. Once Thursday is done, I'm done.

Screw school. Education is overrated.

2010: New Resolutions

So 2010 started off on a sad note. On January 1, my parents and I sent my sister back to Chicago at 6 in the morning. I still can't believe that one day, it will be just my parents at the airport, waving goodbye to me as I embark on a new chapter of life. I still remember when both my parents would walk with me around the elementary school campus before school started...A part of me wishes that my parents will always be around to hold my hand. Sometimes, thinking about growing up is a lot harder than actually growing up, I guess.

That Sunday, Jan. 3, I conveniently forgot about a Interact area meeting and went to church. I'm glad I did. Pastor Quoc gave a sermon about New Years Resolutions. He gave us five, bad sadly, I only remember like...four, and out of order.

1. Read the Bible

2. Pray for friends, family, and the church

3. Fast in prayer

4. Share your faith with a new person every week.

Not exactly what he said...but this is my interpretation.

I've been a bad person - a bad daughter, a bad sister, a bad friend, a bad Christian. One of the most important things that Quoc said was that you can't change your past, but you can change your present. The past may have made me who I am today, but the present will determine who I am tomorrow.

Anyways, I resolved to tackle all these things at once. I've embarked on a 21 day porn fast. The true spirit behind fasting is giving up something you value dearly for God. Recently, I've spent hours vegetating in front of the computer screen reading fanfiction and romance novels. I've decided to take this time and read the Bible instead. I know, I know, this sounds scary and uber-Christian. I've always thought the Bible was veeery boooring. (Numbers sucks. Sorry, God.) I've only been doing this for three days now, but I'm actually enjoying it.

Here's how it works. I choose a book of the Bible and read three chapters a day. I take notes, jot down quotes I like, and analyze the meaning behind the passage. What is the lesson behind this? How can I incorporate it into my life. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes, I read passages and go, "Really, God? Really?" Luckily for me, I live in a house with a whole family who I can discuss, argue, and bounce ideas with....not to mention the whole backup system I have on the internet.

Anyways, when I have the time, I'll blog about some of my thoughts on each passage. I know, I know, no one wants to read a religious blog. That's not my intention. I've just always been better at thinking when I'm typing. It's like my brain speaks to me through the keyboard...

Today, I read Proverbs 1 - 3.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil." Proverbs 3:5-7

I first discovered this verse on my first year at ADVENT. My teaching assistant, Jeremiah, shared it with me. It speaks to me in so many different ways, simply because of my stubborn personality. I'm not naturally a trusting person, and I'd rather not be dependent on anyone else. It's hard for me to relinquish control in any situation. (except driving. heh) I give myself way to much credit and often forget to give the glory to God. Just one week after Jeremiah gave me this verse, I ran across a group of students that I just really could not control. I was at a complete loss as to how to deal with them. I'd like to think I can handle any situation, but the truth of the matter is, I just can't. It occurred to me then to refer back to this verse. I can't do everything on my own, my abilities are limited, but God's power is boundless. I prayed for wisdom, guidance...self-preservation, and I tried again. Things didn't just magically work out or go away, but there's just a feeling of peace and calmness. My team leader often reminded us that we can only do our best and God will do the rest. Because I was reminded of God's omnipotence, I wasn't stuck on what I couldn't do or what I failed at. I knew I had done my best and it was liberating to be able to just relinquish control to God.

"Do not despise the Lord's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in." Proverbs 3:11-12

It's easy to love someone who's always nice to you. It's easy to love someone who always let's you have your way. But oftentimes, that person is not someone who can honestly say that they love you back. They're not what's best for you. This verse made me think back on my long 17-year history with my parents. WW3 is often imminent in the Casa de Wang. We fight, we cry, we laugh it off. That's real love, I have no doubt. Discipline stings. When my Dad corrects me, I won't deny it, I get pissed. The resentment builds and I search for reasons to cry "hypocrisy"! But with God it's different. God is perfect. Which kinda sucks sometimes...because it leaves us with no ground to stand on. It's not like I can say "Well, what about the time you stepped on your own laptop? Who's careless now?" It annoys me when my Dad picks on my dressing habits, eating habits, and behavioral habits, but deep down (very deep deep deep down), I know he does it for my own good. God is the same way. When bad things happen, it's not because God wants to punish me. It's because God loves me and he wants me to learn. How easy it is to rejoice and give thanks when times are good. How much better a person I must be to do the same when times are rough.

"Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act."

Proverbs 3:27

I am a selfish beast. This is no lie. I hate sharing, whether it be my eraser, my pencils, my food (especially my food), whatever the case may be.I also noticed that it says "from those who deserve it", not "from those who ask for it". That's tough. I don't even like to give people things when they ask for it. If I am to do good, whenever it is in my "power to act", that'd be pretty damn often. This isn't even only material possessions. I'm supposed to give good "when it is in my power to act". Act. That's a scary word...it implies action. (God forbid.) I can't just toss someone a $1 bill and call it a day. Everyone deserves good. I am always in a position to act. This is a call to action, and who am I to refuse the call?

It's easy to analyze the Bible, it's harder to implement it in my own life. I sense a lot of work ahead of me in 2010...

On the Verge

I don't know why, but just now I had the feeling that I'm on the verge of something great. You know that feeling when your heart swells with some inexplicable emotion? All of a sudden, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm going crazy with anticipation, and I have no idea what the heck is about to happen. But then again, I guess that's every moment. Every minute, every second, there's the chance that the next moment will bring something truly awesome. I'm still waiting. But sometimes, that's the best part. (:

Rusty

So I haven't been to the library since before I left for ADVENT...roughly around early July. That translates into: "I've been horribly deprived of porn for a very long time." On top of all that, when I finally find the time, I discover that they've completely demolished Porn Palace, I mean, the library! Yesterday, I dragged my parents to Noble library (Yes, NOBLE library, of all places). It took me two whole minutes to find the porn section, and get this, it was mixed in with the sci-fi and the mystery. Heathens.

Anyways, I borrow like six books. I tried to balance out the porn with Jane Eyre and a book about the last big Mafia families. (The Godfather like...my thing right now, forgive me.)


It's been a long time since I've truly devoured one of these. I discovered I was a bit rusty...

I was skimming along, and I've totally forgotten how boring porn is when it has a plot. I finally get to the first kiss scene (87 pages in. This book obviously sucks) and like...there it was, in all it's glory, "penis". I mean, wow, that's subtle. It's bluntness shocked me. (Pun intended. Hee.) I was so offended that I actually shut the book and put it down. It took me all of thirty seconds to realize that I was being totally silly. That's how long it's been! Damn! Of course, I call my sister immediately, and we proceed to have a twenty minute conversation that went along the lines of "OMG. ME TOO!"....plus a little Rubber Band Man. Don't ask.



Porn has just become so...disappointing. (Sigh)

Fanfiction in the Early Hours

A blog at 4 AM! Lovely.

I just spent the last five hours reading an EPIC P&P fanfiction. I laughed so hard I cried, and then I cried a little more just for the heck of it. So good.

I now have new expectations in love and life. :D

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Day breakfast consisted of dou jiang you tiao. For those non-Chinese speakers out there, that roughly translates into "Soy milk, chinese doughnut". Trust me. It sounds infinitely more delicious in Chinese. The soymilk is hot, and you can get it either sweet or savory. The Chinese doughnuts are not sweet, but simple fried goodness. It is traditional to eat the two together, and there's even a JJ Lin song dedicated to the practice. (: But, to clarify, only my dad had this traditional breakfast. We went to Wu Bing Er Yu....or the Nutritional House. (I never understood that...how does "Five Bread Two Fish" become the Nutritional House? That's just blasphemous.) I love this place. It's right next to Hot Pot City, but hands down, has the best noodle dishes ever. All their cold noodles are good. (drool) Anyways, my Mom and I chowed down on noodles while my Dad bitterly complained about our lack of Chinese culture. Hee.

When we got home, we watched some football before my Dad decided to take an afternoon nap. Keep in mind, this is like...three hours after he woke up this morning. (Sigh) Old people. heh. I'm doing my Greek mask for Daniell (It did turn out pretty tragic...) when Samantha IMs me and asks to come over. She was under the impression that I had a new dog. I didn't disillusion here. So, Wendy, Denise, and Samantha show up at my house, take a look at my new "Dingo", before exclaiming "THAT'S SONATINA?!?" Made my day. Hahaha. We went to Yogurt Twist (Ugh. Yogurt) and then headed over to Denise's house to work on College Apps. There's got to be something wrong about that. Working on College Apps on Thanksgiving...

After that, my parents picked me up to head to my Dad's cousin's house in Palo Alto for Thanksgiving Dinner. As usual, the house was full of people...that I didn't know. hahaha. It turns out, half the people there were church people, not relatives. I spent the night eating REALLY REALLY good bread, and chilling with my parents. The food was epic. There was turkey, but it was largely overlooked because of the BLOOD RED PRIME RIB that sat right next to it. Um, yes. I come from a family where Prime Rib is the traditional Thanksgiving Day fare. Mmhmm. The entire table was just covered in different foods, from the Chinese dishes like sauteed red and yellow peppers and the sea cucumber with fish, to the more American mashed potato and cranberry sauces. Then to top it all off, there was pumpkin pie with Top-Yourself-Off whipped cream. Be still my heart.

I ended up reconnecting with my cousin...OK, not quite my cousin. She is my dad's cousin's daughter. What does that make her? You figure it out. Anyways, Heidi is the bomb. She had just returned from a two year stint teaching English in Japan. After joking with my parents about Sumo Wrestling and food, we started watching Glee on Debbie's laptop. It was the episode where Puck sings "Sweet Caroline". Guh. Hotness. hee. Needless to say, I made a new friend on Facebook. Woot!

This morning, my Dad tried to wake me up at 8. Rather courteously, in my opinion, I told him to leave me alone, it was my effing vacation, and that I would wake up when I was good and ready. Anyways, when I got up at 11 AM (Ooh. Scandalous), my parents were already heating up the leftover Hot Pot downstairs. I love Hot Pot. I will never tire of Hot Pot. So nyeh, Amy Wang.

After lunch...brunch...whatever, I snuggled back under my covers and continued reading Pride and Prejudice. Jane Austen goodness! I'm glad I watched the 6 hour BBC adaptation of the book before I actually read it. The book just wouldn't have been as good if Colin Firth wasn't into lakes in my head. I've never watched the Keira Knightley version, but I've been told to a million times. I may succumb one day, but I KNOW it will never even begin to compare to the BBC version. So nyeh. Heed my advice. Watch the long version. It will bring a whole new meaning to your life.

I was reading the book, when it occurred to me that greatest desire in life is to have have someone propose to me like Fitzwilliam Darcy. Without the bitter nasty part afterwards. Just the greatest line that ever was: "In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you..." Then my life would be complete. >:]

I did drag myself away from the book to go Black Friday shopping...at like 1PM. Who goes Black Friday shopping at 1 PM? My dad's excuse? "I just want to go out for a walk." (sigh) We looked for parking for like...thirty minutes. We got my Dad his birthday ice cream at Coldstone. Walked around the entire mall. And bought nothing. Absolutely nothing. (By the way, it's my Dad's birthday today. I forgot. hee.)
Then, it took another half an hour to try to navigate ourselves out of the crowded parking lot around the Great Mall. I hate Black Friday. There weren't even any great sales anyways! But still, I applaud my family for our strong will. Unemployment is doing us good. (:

Ok. I should probably go wrap my Dad's birthday present now. My sister bought him the Blu-Ray disc for Kung Fu Panda. Maybe if I give it to him now, we can watch it together. >:] Yee!

Thanksgiving Break

Four day weekend, and I'm already thinking about homework. I finished the Lysistrata script, still need to make a mask. I asked my Dad how I should make mask, and he said, "Why do you need another one?" Ouch. Asshole.

Oh! So today my Daddy's like "You know our Chinese president?" And I'm like "There is no Chinese president, Dad." He shakes his head, adamant. "Yes. His last name was Lin. I'm sure."

"..."

"His first name was Frank."

"..."

"HEE. FRANKLIN. WAHAHAHAHAHA."

(sigh) This, guys, is where I get it from. He cracked himself up for a whole minute. "That was a really lame joke, huh."

Yeah, Dad. It was. BUT I LOVED IT. HEE!



So anyways, on a more stressful note: I need to finish my college apps. Still have to do the Stanford Supplement. D: Those extra short essays are a pain in the ass. Then, I have to spruce up my letter of recommendation from my piano teacher. She emails me her letter with strict instructions to "Add stuff and make it compliment [me] better." Oh, Lisa. What would I do without you and your electronic signature? Which reminds me that I have to learn how to write a resume. What the heck am I going to write on my music resume? Guh. Stress.


FML.