Mental Blockage.

Things that I can never do:

1.) Say the "c" word. I'm sorry, I can't even think it in my brain. It's so...dirty and degrading. But I can say everything else. Liberally.

2.) Beat Oregon Trail. I think I did it once, but I was the only one left in my wagon train. And it took be four hours. One time, everyone drowned at the first river. It was three feet deep. What were we doing? Lying down?

3.) Not go to Costco for a week. It's like trying to avoid a call to the Mother ship. Or ignoring the Dark Mark. "Oh, I'm sorry, Lord Voldemort, I'm just not feeling all that up to it today. Torture and pillaging tomorrow, same time?" NO. COSTCO CALLS TO MY BLOOD.

4.) Procrastinate. I get the shakes, literally. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night, convinced that I've forgotten something and I literally toss and turn for the rest of the night because I can't remember what it is. I usually realize the next morning when I'm already at school. Expletive, expletive. I'm anal, obsessive compulsive, nerdy, all in one bulky package. Deal with it. (LOVE ME, PLEASE!!!) But deal with it.

5.) Hold grudges. I try. I honestly do. Remember that one time when the lady from Bambu gave my mother and me attitude and I swore I would never return? Well...the jello called to me...and who am I to resist the demands of dessert? I never forget. I just don't have the willpower to deny myself anything. Which leads me to...

6.) Diet. I mean, look at this hot mess. I see it in the mirror and I cry a little on the inside. And then I eat to comfort myself. Mm...Coldstone ice cream--Cheesecake Fantasy. Oh, the bitter taste of self-hate.

7.) Type "lol" on AIM. It's uneducated and gross. Especially when people take it offline and say "LOL!" in real life. (Cough, Jimmy, cough.) "Wtf", I am beginning to condone, but "lol" is just...-sigh-. The next person to saw "rofl" is going to get a pencil up their nose. A sharp pencil. When I type "haha" I'm not laughing. When I type "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" I am cracking up hysterically. Just in case you wanted to actually get to know the person behind the IM window. (You probably don't.)

8.) Pray in groups. I can pray for hours and hours by myself because I can go "Sorry, Jesus. Backspace backspace." but when you're in a group...things are exponentially more difficult. You have to incorporate the Bible to sound wise, say things that actually mean things... It's like a whole new language. I just can't keep my eyes closed for that long! I need to see! What if there's an axe murderer behind me? Is it a sin to pray with your eyes open?

9.) Take a compliment. I'm not cool enough to take a compliment well. I was raised too Asian. My first instinct is "No. Take it back." But society dictates that you have to take it humbly (is that a word? It looks like...bumbly. Did I spell it wrong?) or risk looking like a big jackass. I'm cocky enough as it is. If you compliment me, my head will upset my balance (which is pretty damn difficult, considering my weight is centered at my thighs.) and I will fall over and crack open my head. (Which, now that I think about it, was probably your intention all along.) Scariest compliment I've ever gotten? "Wow, Abby. You're so smart I just want to kill you." My comeback? "Wow. You're so skinny, I'd do you a bigger favor if you ate me too." Yeah...it was the best I could come up with under the circumstances.
**Jesus made us all equally gifted. (or if you're a pessimist, Jesus made us equally useless.) But I usually take the optimist point of view.

10.) Stay silent through an awkward silence. Or any kind of silence, really. Giggleloop? It's evil. -stacks cups-


So yeah, there's a lot of other stuff I can't do. Calculus, Draw, Sit still, etc. etc. but I know you guys keep more careful track of my flaws then I do.




Good God, it's windy outside.