Playing Defense

When it comes to team sports, I've been a defensive player all my life. Take for example, field hockey. I'm not talking that wussy East coast candy cane shit. I mean the ghetto ass play-on-the-blacktop-with-mansticks business. For one, if we have an excellent offensive team, chances are, I can sit around half court and do nothing all PE period. Then, there's the fact that I've always felt bad for the goalie. Here's the poor bastard who, for reasons unknown, volunteers to have people direct balls as hard as they can at his or her face while all they have to defend themselves is a flimsy paddle. That to me, is not sound logic. At least when I'm playing defense, I know my role is noble -- protect the goalie. I could not give a flying fuck about anyone else on the court. (Obviously, I'm not really a team player.) When that ball comes at us, I smack it in the other direction as hard as I can with no regard to who is on the other end. If the ball doesn't get past me, I've succeeded as a defender. If the ball gets past me, even if the goalie saves it, I feel like I've failed. (Now that I think about it, the signs that I need serious therapy have been present since I was a teenager.)

I've applied this same philosophy to my personal life. I will rarely ever play the offensive, until someone encroaches on my territory and elicits a defensive reaction. And like field hockey, it's because 1.) I'm lazy and 2.) I am usually defending someone or something. 

I've been reliably informed by my family that I have become hypersensitive about issues concerning sexuality. This was made more apparent to me when I had a strong negative reaction to a status posted by a pastor from a church I used to attend:

" 'I asked Jesus if it was OK to move in with my boyfriend and I feel like He said yes. What do you think?' I think you called the wrong number."

I paraphrased the above quote because in a fit of adolescent rage that was quite beneath me, I unfriended him and now I can't access his statuses anymore. To give a bit of background/clarification, it is a quote of a quote of a quote. A letter to and a response from another pastor that this pastor was sharing on his own Facebook. 

My first reaction was to post a scathing retort along the lines of "This kind of closeminded thinking from the Church is what prevents people from coming out of the closet and embracing who they really are, asshole!!" but, you know, more educated and less offensive. And while I was going about trying to figure out how to make this thought more educated and less offensive, I saw people liking his status and posting comments like "Preach!" and "Good stuff!" and I must admit that I entered a dark, dark place. I could feel my heartbeat growing louder as my mind stilled. 

At that moment, my roommate Anna comes in, so I decide to read this status to her to gauge her reaction. Her first question, "So is this a girl writing the question?"

Oh. Well duh. That changes everything. 

Somehow, I had just completely jumped to the conclusion that this status was written by a man because the world clearly revolves around me, and seeing as I have now gone skinny-dipping in the proverbial homosexual pool, this status must be about the homos. 

Like I told my sister....I am a exposed nipple of defensiveness right now. This is madness. Needless to say, I am glad I didn't post anything. Anna coming in was probably God's way of telling me to calm the fuck down and behave like a rational person...which is difficult for me on a normal day, even when questions of sexuality and the Church are not involved.

So yeah, I'm a little scared for when someone actually does come up to me and opposes my life decisions to my face. Not in the way you would expect. More along the lines of what I would do or say that I can't take back, especially when I'm already so wound up in anticipation. I'm just itching for someone to make the first move and smack that ball into my court. (Sport metaphors are really not my thing.)

Also, if I take a moment to be honest here, it's a little hard to not be resentful of the Church for propagating this intolerance. I often find myself blaming religion for creating things that I have struggled with in the past, struggle with in the present, and probably will continue to struggle with in the future. As a lazy person, I really don't see the necessity for this grief.  I guess I'm at one of those turning points in my life where I have to make a decision...but with my personality, chances are I'm going to delay it as long as possible and float in this ambiguous space between belief and disbelief. I still believe in God but I just don't accept certain aspects of Man's interpretation of His Will. I guess this "pick-and-choose" business is a double-edged sword. People are going to tell me "You can't say you love God and choose not to obey Him." Yeah, I know, I've been indoctrinated. I'm almost bitter enough to just call it quits, but the only thing that keeps me in is Family. And that's a sad reason to devote your life to a religion isn't it? I don't know, I'm a selfish person, and I think that if I believe, it should be because I believe, not because I don't want to hurt the people that I love. But I do believe, and I guess the whole point of this entire rant is that I'm angry that it even has to come to this. 

All these thoughts, released from a single status. I guess I've just been sitting on this for a while.

 

I was liberal enough before I came to Denmark, but now that I'm taking several courses (Gender & Sexuality in Scandinavia, Sociology of the Family) and learning about social constructionism, I'm pretty much turning into a downright hippie. I need some more information, I need some more knowledge, I need some guidance, I need Jesus, I need sleep. We'll see what this semester abroad will bring.