I am the shit.

Woke up this morning and it seems the worst is over. The winds have died down and it's not even raining anymore. I took a cursory glance outside my window, and from the tiny block of N. Charles Street I can see, it doesn't seem that Hurricane Sandy has wrought much damage on this part of Baltimore. (Now I am picturing walking outside to find Charmar completely submerged and being like, well shit.)

When I was little, I hated the rain because it always seemed to come at the most inopportune moments -- outdoor birthday parties, trips to Marine World or Great America, etc. It meant I would have to carry an umbrella, which in and of itself I don't mind, but then I would inevitably lose the umbrella and dread coming home the entire day because I didn't want to have to tell my parents. Not that my parents ever really punished me for it. I'd get a disappointed look that would stab straight through my little adolescent heart and an exasperated, "Better find it."

I used to express these complaints about unhappy weather phenomena to my Dad. He used to point outside the glass door and say, "Rain and storms are God's way of changing the seasons. Look at how it makes the leaves fall from the trees." (It sounds way more poetic in Chinese.) I don't know why this anecdote suddenly came to mind, but I have surmised that being cooped up all day under potentially apocalyptic conditions has made me miss home. Sigh. I miss my Daddy and his little unsolicited philosophical insights...(that feeling will fade abruptly once I'm reintroduced to them this Thanksgiving, I'm sure.)

 Anyways, two days off from school, two postponed tests, a four-fold happy circumstance which had me simultaneously over the  moon and overcome with worry that exams will be moved into the four extra days that I will be skipping school after Thanksgiving. Then, while I was still praising Hurricane Sandy for precipitating this exquisite agony, my friend brings me back to Earth -- "56 people have died." (This was yesterday, the death toll has since risen to about 65 in the Caribbean and 10+ in the US)

My initial thought -- "That escalated quickly."

Then I just felt like a giant turd.

Here I am, notes forgotten somewhere after I had flung them across the room, thinking that hurricanes are fantastic and that they should happen all the time just so I can shirk my responsibilities as a student while somewhere in the Caribbean (Haiti), people are drowning, people have lost their homes, BANANA CROPS HAVE DIED. (Sorry, humor is my coping mechanism.) Meanwhile, I haven't even lost power! The second worst part is (the first being the death and devastation), I would have remained blissfully ignorant about the fatal implications of this hurricane had not this obviously more socially conscious friend struck me in the face with this bitter dose of reality.


Again, what shit I am.


This revelation made me ponder further. How ironic is it, that we attend university and seek higher education in order to become more informed, and yet we find ourselves focused so much on the outcomes of schoolwork and exams that it becomes easy to turn a blind eye on the things that are happening in the real world around us. In fact, our perception of the real world becomes limited to what side of the bell curve we fall on. These become the things that matter while all else is put on hold until we have time to worry about them. I know I don't speak for all college students, in fact, I may be only speaking for myself (in which case, allow me to combust with shame).

This Hurricane Sandy, now Superstorm Sandy, business made me think back to Saturday, when I still thought I had two exams this week and was cramming for Diseases and Disorders. I was on a time crunch, but I knew I had to do my daily check-ins with my clients from the Charm City Clinic. Most of the calls went down without a hitch, just the usual, how are you doing? what can I do for you? have a good week, i'll call back same time next week. Then, I called a particular client that had just come back from the hospital. The moment he picked up the phone, I got an inkling from his tone that this wasn't going to be a routine phone call. His medical condition had left him incontinent and his fiance was left with the responsibility of cleaning and caring for him despite not having any medical supplies such as a bedpan or adult diapers. They asked me if I could procure some for them.

I am ashamed to admit that my first thought was along the lines of "Balls, I need to study!!!!" But two hours and six phone calls later, they were en route to receiving the materials they had requested. My first meaningful contribution to a client's quality of life was marred by my own selfish desires and insecurities.

While perched on the toilet this morning (where let me assure you, all my deepest thoughts happen), I reflected on these things and the light they shed (or rather, the shadow they cast) on my character. Do I really place my academic success over the comfort and dignity of any individual? Are my grades more important than the lives of others? Because if that's the case, I should pack up my pre-med dreams and go home right now. With that kind of thinking, I would be better suited to be a businessman or a researcher. (Jokes.) You know in movies when the priest says "Think upon your sins." Yeah, I have a lot of that to do.

Sigh, introspection is the worst.

I miss the sun. I miss home. Two more weeks!

I have four drafts sitting on my dashboard. Gathered over the last few weeks, they are a cyber representation of just how out of my depth I feel lately. Despite school having started a good month ago and despite being three midterms in, I often forget that summer is over. I'm still not accustomed to having to actually think about things, both academically and emotionally speaking. I can't even begin to pinpoint what I'm struggling with exactly. Maybe it's the sad music I'm currently listening to, but I feel a vague sense of despondency, an uncertainty that any effort is worth making.

I don't even know.